Published August 28, 2016 by mindfulofchatter

There are changes on my horizon. While I can see some of the good in them, most it is not good. There is fear. There is disappointment. There is the learning curve that is forever there because one simply walks this earth.

I am struggling to stay afloat. I struggling to care for my dying dog. I am struggling to feel my own worth.

I have asked for help. I am still looking for work. I still have personal items for sale.

As much as I have tried the things I have tried to sell are not selling. I have asked what my research says is a reasonable, if not cheap, price. And here they still sit. Now, I suppose, they will go to the upcoming yard sale and go for close to nothing.

I have been looking for work. I have been on interviews. I signed with an employment agency. The employment agency is not doing its job. Oh, they seem to have work. Work in my field, but they are not passing those jobs along. How could I know this? I received a recruiting e-mail from a company I applied at a year ago. I when the hiring event and asked about the positions available. The one I was interested in was being filled through the very agency I am signed up with. The recruiter looked over my resume and told me to contact the agency to get an interview. Now, if I should get hired, I will be paid through the agency. The agency will make money off of a job I found on my own. Since the company hired the agency to fill that position, they are obligated to fill it through the agency regardless on how I found out about the position. This is nuts.

(on a side note – the woman who came to fetch me for my interview remarked how poor the employment agencies were in this area. She expressed disappointment in how the agency seemed to be dragging its feet to send them applicants)

Though I have asked for help, I gotten very little. It is simply disappointing that people would rather help someone who wants to ride a hoppity-hop across the country, than people who are losing everything. I am amazed that people can’t even share a fund-raiser, let alone give anything no matter how small. I have a friend who is also struggling. This person has lost their home, had to give up pets, lost their car, their job – yet still has tried to help others.

I will lose my home soon. I don’t have enough money to pay my rent. I will lose my car because the bank still owns it and they don’t care about anyone’s situation except their own. I will most likely lose my cell phone. And to make it all sting even more, people I know will watch it happen. Will let it happen. How can I feel I am worth something when no else seems to think so?

I have been asked what I will do. I don’t know. I have never been homeless. I don’t know how to be homeless. I will have to learn. I will have not pay people and companies that I owe for services. This the first time since I left my parents house over 30 years ago that I can not pay my bills.

There is no anger, only disappointment. In myself, mostly, for coming to this place at all. For ending up in corner with no escape hatch.

The short-term plan – sell everything. Pack the things I need or want to try to keep into one or two bins. Pay for the car for as long as I can so the dogs and I have somewhere out of the weather. I’d sell the car, but I won’t get enough out of it to buy even a beater. It is at that point of being worth about what I owe. I think I know someone who let my store a few things at their place. Maybe I won’t lose everything, but will be pretty darn close. Most of it can be replaced one day.

All in all, I am trying very hard to see this as a new beginning. Wish me luck.



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