I find myself in sort of an identity/mid life crisis, though I do not really want to live to be 114. The Me inside seems to be thrashing about trying to make sense of of the world and how I fit in. Or don’t fit in.
This is not really a new thing for me. Over 16 years ago, I remember telling my then partner ‘ I just want to go home, and don’t where home is.’ Needless to say he was baffled by that statement since we were in the living room of the house we were renting. In short, we were at home. Little has changed in the years that have passed. I am one of those people who never feels like they have found ‘home’. I just make home where ever I am. But it is never a permanent home.
I know I am tired of scrambling day to day to make ends meet. I work full time and can barley get by. I don’t carry a ton of debt, or live in a high rent apartment. I don’t have cable, my new internet is about as cheap as it gets (local company), I rarely go out. I have to go to a laundromat to do my wash, but I wash my smalls at home to cut down on trips to do washing. I just can’t seem to make enough to survive with any ease.
I understand why people are homeless. Some are addicted to things that make them unable to work, some are disabled or mentally ill and can’t qualify for programs to help them. A few are homeless by choice. And some have lost their job and can’t find a new one. They end up in their car or on the streets. Once you are there, getting out is simply harder.
I have suddenly found myself at an age where finding a job is tougher because my work experience and work ethic do not over shadow my age. Employers are often wanting the younger person thinking they will work more years. This is odd because it has been shown time and time again the average employee stays an average of 4.2 years.
But in all this is my own struggle to find, or create, ‘me’. I have spent a good portion of my life being who others expected me to be in one way or another. This not a new thing. Everyone is expected to do or behave in certain ways.
But I am tired of it.
I have friend who once proclaimed (with love) that I am a gypsy at heart. Perhaps that is my problem. I am a traveller, a gypsy and wanderer who has been tied to the wrong life.
I want to live whatever I have left of my life on my on terms. Whatever those terms may be.