Sometimes, I Could Just Kick Myself

Published February 14, 2016 by mindfulofchatter



With all the things going on (and not going on) in my life, I overlooked one important item.

You can’t move forward while you still have one foot in the past.

I no sooner moved out of Luke’s place when I was hit with cut hours, and then no hours. Ouch. I realized later that my employer knew when I was looking for an apartment, that my hours would be cut two weeks after I moved in. This was not a nice move on the employers part. It would have been nice to have know that was on the table before money was spent on deposits and background checks.

When the doo-doo hit the fan, Luke kindly offered me my room back to me if things didn’t work out and I lost the apartment. It was, and still is, a nice gesture. Because of that nice gesture, and the difficulty in finding work in this area, I left some things at Luke’s place. Why move them when I may just have to move them back? They are things I don’t need on a day to day basis, they are safe, I can get them when and if I need them. No biggie, right?


As longer I leave things at Luke’s place, the more likely it is that I will end up back there. They create a reason to keep a thread to a relationship that does not work. Why would I do that to myself? It’s not that I hate Luke. It’s that I know I do not want to live my life with him. So why am I leaving things at his place if that’s not where I want to be?

This epiphany hit me out of the blue. I wasn’t thinking of my things lounging in my old room. I wasn’t thinking about Luke. I was thinking about laundry, and needing quarters for the laundromat. The connection? I was doing laundry at Luke’s to avoid the expense of the laundromat. Again – keeping a thread to the past and keeping myself from moving into MY future. Sometimes I am so stupid, I can hardly believe myself.

I think a lot of people do the same thing. Moving ahead can be scary, especially when your foundation is shaky. A lot of us keep some little thread from the past connected as a safety line. If we fall, we think the thread will catch us. In most cases, this isn’t true at all. That thread will snap and leave us in free fall.

So today, Valentine’s Day, is the day I remove the rest of my life from Luke’s. It my box of candy to myself. My things will be where they belong – with me. My life will be where be where it belongs – with me.

I’m stepping out of my past, and into my future. Completely.




2 comments on “Sometimes, I Could Just Kick Myself

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