All posts for the month August, 2014

My Face Is Sliding Off! Where’s The Glue?

Published August 15, 2014 by mindfulofchatter



After my foray into the world of online food advice, I decided to dip my toes into the internet once again. This time I wanted to see what the world had to say about the infamous sagging neck.

Now, we all have things about our reflections we dislike. As we stand and study every wrinkle and imperfection on our faces, we wonder if there is a way to fix it. My sister, for example, once asked how I felt about us all having ‘the great Belgium Honker’ (my father’s grandparents hailed from Belgium. We all have the same freaking nose).  I had never really given my nose much thought. But my sister had always thought her nose was enormous and ugly. So now I had to go look at my nose. And there it was. The same nose I’d always had. A little crooked, a small scar across the middle, two nostrils (thank goodness there weren’t suddenly three) and that little bump on one side. Nope, I still don’t see it as huge.

But my neck, aha! Now that is a different story. I see my neck as the ugly part of my face. It has a sag in the center. Yup. Ye olde turkey neck is on its way. So I wondered if there were new things out there to ‘fix’ it. Or at least make it less turkey-like. Or ish.

The internet did not let me down. (what a fun place the internet is. Kind of like one gigantic infomercial for crappy stuff)

There were several sites labeled along the lines of ’10 Ways To Fix Your Neck Wrinkles’ and ‘Have A Younger Looking Neck In 6 Easy Steps’. Wow! My dream has come true at last! I can’t wait to find out all the closely guarded secrets to fix a saggy neck!

They start out the same: Creams. Just slather a certain type of cream on your neck and the wrinkles will be minimized. Use a tightening cream and it may (not a sure thing, mind you) make your neck appear more lifted. Appear. This is an important thing to note. It will not actually lift your neck, just make it appear lifted. So now we are applying an optical illusion? And as with all creams, lotions and items along that line, any progress your skin appears (there’s that word again!) to make will stop as soon as you stop using the cream.

Next up we have mircoderm abrasion. They seem to be trying to tell me I simply remove the wrinkles by using an abrasive scrub or rotary tool with an abrasive pad (I don’t recommend using a belt sander or orbital sander). The idea behind is that you make micro cuts in your skin that allow the new skin and collagen to come to the surface, thus creating a younger look. Or appearance. I call this method re-surfacing the moon. It can dangerous if not done correctly, or done too often.

Botox injections. Okay………let’s inject poison into our skin and, in essence, freeze the muscles. Or not.

The Life Style Lift. They do this thing on your lunch hour. Right there I am suspicious. In one hour I can have the neck of my dreams? Um…… not buying it. What is the catch? I tried to look into it further, but you have to call. There are only before and after photos on their website. But I did run into a friend of friend whose friend (stay with me here) had it done. Apparently, they pull the loose skin up and basically rubber-band it into small knots, then hide the knots in your hair. Try explaining that to your significant other when they run their hands through your hair. Ew. Just – ew.

These lists often continue with ridiculous advice about foods, topical masks and how to wash your face and neck. I never thought I needed directions on how to wash my face. After all, I’ve managed to wash my face all by myself for 50 some odd years now. Not once have I managed to wash my face incorrectly. I mean really, how difficult is it? Soap, water, clean towel, done. No my dears, I do not use a fancy, dancy facial cleanser. That’s pretty much what soap is.

But all these lists end the same way. Get a neck lift. A surgical neck lift. That’s right boys and girls, let some guy (or gal) with a knife play cut and paste with your face. I actually went to a plastic surgeon for a consultation several years ago. I was curious and wanted to know how it was done. I was told I great skin for a lift. Yay! Then he began to go through how the lift was done. Incisions made here, here, and here. Pulling the skin up, cutting away the loose bits and stitching all the bits and parts back together. And then there’s the recovery. Six to eight weeks of swelling, redness, pain, itching……….wow! Where do I sign up for that! I can’t wait to be totally miserable and hide from the world for up to two months. Plus it was about 10 grand. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have that kind of cash laying about for trivial things like fixing my neck skin simply because I dislike it.

In the end I decided I was just fine the way I am. No, I haven’t developed a sudden love for my turkey neck. I have just found ways to accept it. It is part of who I am and my aging process. I’m not going to freak out because my neck isn’t the same neck I had at 20. Okay, it is the same neck. I didn’t have a neck replacement or anything. But now that neck has 35 more years on it. It seems like a good neck, it has no leaks or holes in it, so I’ll keep it a while longer.

The next time you stand and ponder your reflection, try to look at yourself with a new attitude. See laugh lines rather than wrinkles. Don’t let our world of anti-aging freak you out because we are all going to age. Period. Aging gracefully means accepting the changes time is making on your face and body.

Smile. Hold your chin up (I’ll need two hands for that part) and be proud of yourself.

Just the way you are.