Archives

All posts for the month July, 2013

General Dating Rant

Published July 31, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

rant alert

 

I have been single for a while now. More than a while, more like 4 years. In those 4 years I have had maybe a handful of real dates. I don’t count meet n’ greets as dates.  I am signed up on a couple of the free dating sites. I don’t use the paid ones because they are all the same. The same people are on most of the sites, the ‘matching’ is crap and a waste of time (they never it even remotely right) and none of them really weed out the creepers or the fake profiles. So why pay for the misery? Um, I mean service.

I read through personal ads mostly for fun. I rarely write to anyone. Most of the personal ads are gross (I’m looking for a woman who likes to be licked) or just married men looking for affairs (back to the ‘I have no love at home. wah! wah! wah! ‘Grow up fellas, you married her. Deal with the problems or get a divorce).  There are a few who sound like they may be looking for a real relationship, but have added so many parameters not even a real goddess could pass the tests. I shared with you the ad where the man lists all the qualities he wants. From height to hair color, weight to interests, he’s  got it all mapped out. He’s going to be alone for long time unless he can manage a little wiggle room. One of the latest ads states ‘If you can’t run a mile without gasping for air, don’t bother to respond.’ Okay. Miss out on great gal because she has asthma or something that prevents her from running. He never states HE can run a mile without gasping for breath, so why do I need to? (To be honest, I hate to run. I will not be running a mile anytime soon. Unless the zombie apocalypse comes and I really need the cardio. See Rule #1)

I understand there are a lot of very large/obese people out there. I understand a lot of people want a partner who can be active. But this trend of having to have an über fit person to DATE is ridiculous. You guys ever think that if you take a lady out and get her moving, she’ll get more fit? No? Try it. You may find the woman of your dreams in a slightly chubby package. I do not weigh over 300 pounds. I’m not even at 200 pounds. I AM a little chubby. Guess what? If I had someone to go out with, I’d be out hiking/swimming/walking/ whatever a lot more often. And I’d get fitter and trimmer. See how that works?

Some of my dating profile peeves/ads are:

Must be HWP.

This means height/weight proportionate. Sounds reasonable until you realize the people using this term have no clue what HWP actually is. They forget overall build plays a part. Being 5’10” and 130 lbs is NOT HWP.  It’s just plain gross. Welcome the walking skeleton.

Loves 80’s music.

Seriously. What is it with the 80’s music! Was Boy George all that different and earth shaking? Did Madonna really change your life? Was Earth, Wind and Fire really all that and a bag of chips? Yes, I still like a lot of songs from the 80’s. But let’s move forward and mix in some current tunes as well.

No tattoos or piercings.

I get this one. But what about the folks who got tattoos eons ago and arent’ covered in them? Are we automatically out of the running because we got a small tattoo 30 some odd years ago? Maybe this should be stated more along the lines of ‘I don’t like a woman(man) covered in tattoos and piercings.’ Geez, one tiny butterfly and you hate my guts without ever meeting  me. Kinda harsh there, dude.

Must be fit

I covered this one above. Fit can a lot of things and stages. I can ‘out yoga’ a guy 30 years younger than me. So I am farily fit, but I can’t run a mile. I have a female friend who out ride me on a bicycle, but lags a bit when she rides with people who have ridden longer than she has. Is she fit? Yep.

Must be between age A and age B

Okay. I understand this one too. I don’t want to date someone my sons age. Nor do I want to date a man in his 70’s. This irks me when it’s a man who is 56 and wants a woman between 27 and 40. Pretty much anyone who is looking for someone 15 – 20+ years younger. Yeah, yeah. I’m ‘young at heart’ too, but I’m not looking to date my kid’s friends. And unless she has serious ‘daddy issues’, she doesn’t want to date your old arse either.

So I am a bit frustrated with the whole dating thing. I’m not super picky about looks. We are all gonna look like Ernest Borgnine one day.  I can deal with a few extra pounds, hair is nice but bald is not a deal breaker (after all, Yul Brenner was a hottie) and I only ask that someone is my height or taller. While I like the over 6 footers, I don’t have to have one. I do want someone who showers on a regular basis, knows how to shave (I hate the stubble look) and can laugh his ass off at himself or at me (I’m a dork). And shares my slight nerdiness.

You would think this wouldn’t be so difficult.

 

 

Mr. Dinner And a Movie

Published July 27, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

His little profile said he was looking for a long-term relationship (LTR for those of you unfamiliar with the dating abbreviations). He added the normal ‘man’ things about who he was looking for and some of the things he liked. He didn’t seem too picky about appearances. He seemed more like he was looking for the human inside. There were no photos included. But what the heck. One never knows what one may find behind curtain number 1. Maybe later I can trade for the box or curtain number 3.

So I sent off a note and waited to see what came back. He wrote back a little while later, telling me he wasn’t at home and wouldn’t be there for a while. I found that a bit odd, since I hadn’t asked to ring him or visit him. And since he did answer from his phone, the whole not being home thing seemed to be a moot point. I did get another message from him telling me he was now home, but his grandson was with him. Again, unless he’s sharing his e-mails with the kidlet, I don’t see why the grandson being there had anything to do with our e-mails. But okay, I can roll with things.

After a couple of e-mails, he asked for a photo, and I sent him one. What the heck, if my mug frightens him off, so be it. Hopefully he won’t be sharing that scary thing with the grandson. So off my mug went via e-mail.

This is the part where I generally see all communication cease. Since I am not a Victoria’s Secret model, and it seems a lot of men are seeking said model, once I send a pic I am pretty resigned to the fate of crickets chirping in my mailbox.

But Mr. Dinner and Movie replied! There may be something here! His e-mails weren’t bad. Not the best, but not horrible. So I was a little bit pleased that he wasn’t run off by my mug shot. I asked him for a photo in return. And got one.

Of his sofa and television set.

No, no. He wasn’t sitting on the sofa. He was nowhere to found in the photo. It simply a photo of his sofa and his huge TV (does a huge TV equate the same way having a sports car or giant truck does? I wonder……………)

So I asked for a photo of him. Unless, of course, he was indeed a sofa. (Who knows? Maybe he has an improbability drive and normality hasn’t returned yet)

So he did, finally, sent me a photo of himself.  No sofa. No TV. I rather preferred the sofa.

Oh, it’s not that he is a bad looking fellow. It’s that he didn’t bother. To shave. To comb his hair. Or put on a clean, unwrinkled shirt. He just looked unkept and as if he didn’t care that he looked unkept. Now that’s all fine and dandy for him. But not so much for me. I care about keeping myself clean and looking like I didn’t dress from the pile of clothes on the floor (or from the hamper). Add to this his note that stating he has well over 600 (Oh yes, you read that correctly – six hundred) DVDs, a 65″ TV, and his idea of a good time is sitting at home watching movies, and we have a ‘No way, José. Not in a million years’ from my end.

It’s not that I don’t love movies. I do. You may have noticed a few movies references in my blog posts. I am blessed (perhaps cursed is more appropriate) with being able to remember movies lines, actors, plots, etc. I can even tell you who that guy is under a ton of makeup (this annoys my daughter to no end). But staying home every night to watch a movie is not my idea of fun.  I do like to go out from time to time.

Mostly it was his unkept appearance that turned me off instantly. He knew he was on a dating site. He knew women were going to be asking to see what he looked. And yet he couldn’t be bothered to clean up for a simple photograph. If he can’t be bothered to look nice while looking for a date, I’m betting he can’t be bothered to look nice, well, ever.

So no dinner and a movie for me.

At least I won’t have to share my popcorn.

The Pie-Guy Meet-Up

Published July 23, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

PeachPie

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. ~ Groucho Marx

I had my meet-up date with the man who simply wrote ‘I’d like to meet you’. We had shortish telephone conversation beforehand, and he said he liked pie. I suggested a local restaurant that bakes its pies fresh everyday. He asked if they had fresh peach pie. I told him I didn’t know what they had today, but we would find out. Since Pie Guy is new to my area, I gave him easy directions from the intersection near his apartment. I told him I would wait inside (No way I am standing in a parking lot in 100 degree heat to wait on someone) but watch for him if I got there first.

I arrived first, and because I know the staff and the owner there, they went ahead and got a table ready for us. They had my iced tea waiting at the table! It’s nice to have ‘connections’.                                                                                                                                     (Note: this means I eat there far too often and they have gotten to know me far too well)

I kept an eye out for the car Pie Guy said he drove, and sure enough I saw him pull into the parking lot a few minutes after our set time. I went to meet him at the front door.

And the first red flag popped up (This wasn’t the ‘creeper’ red flag. This was the ‘this is NOT going to work out’ red flag).

Pie Guy is 8 years older than I am. This is a tad more years between than I generally care for, but I am always willing to give someone who sounds interesting a chance. We all know by now I am not the average 54-year-old. At least mentally. So watching Pie Guy exit his car in the manner that old, old men do was a rather large red flag for me. He scooted himself to the edge of his seat, put both feet on the pavement and rocked himself a bit to get upright and standing. I spent 3 years watching 80 year olds do that same move. Pie Guy also had the ‘old man walk’. You know the one I mean. They start off a little shaky and move like they may fall over for the first few steps? Yeah, that one. Pie Guy walked like that.

I met him at the door and we went to our table. Menus were brought, drinks offered and served. Pie Guy looked the menu over and stated he was picky about what he ate, so I pointed out the wraps and salads to him. He eventually decided to just have pie.

That decision led to red flag number 2.

They did, indeed, have fresh peach pie. But Pie Guy had a few questions. Let the interrogation begin!

Is there a pie menu? No, the pies are made fresh every day, so it is seasonal and baker’s choice every day.

Where does the fruit came from? It is locally grown fruit from a local farm.

Do all the fruit pies have that glaze? Yes. Except for the apple pie. It has a top crust.

Can I get the peach pie without the glaze? No

Can we go look at the pies in the case? Yes.

So off he went with our server to the pie case. She very patiently went over all the pies they had that day, how they were prepared, and where the fruit came from.

It took the man 20 minutes of interrogating our server to decide which pie to have. Oh. My. God. It’s pie. None of it is ‘good’ for you. Just shut up and pick a slice.

Once the whole pie debacle was over, Pie Guy slid back into the booth so we could chat.

He noticed the pendant I was wearing:

263245_10200826479760244_828674360_n

Pie Guy asked me what it said and I told him, also explaining it was a Dr. Who thing. He didn’t know what/who Dr. Who was, so I gave the ultra short version (BBC TV show – man with time traveling machine).

And he asked ‘Why do you wear that?’

By now I am ready to bang my head against the booth table. I have watched this guy take 20 minutes to order one slice of pie. I have listened to him interrogate our server over ingredients and preparation. And now he can’t figure out why I wear this silly little trinket of a tribute? To me, it is obvious. I wear the pendant because I am a fan of the show. I like Dr. Who. I think the necklace is a fun, silly little thing to wear. Like, duh.

He latched onto the fact that I sew and have made costumes. He insisted (rather strongly) that I do that for a living. In spite of the fact that I stated I don’t want to do that, he kept at it. He went to far as to be ‘upset’ that I didn’t want to ‘make a ton of money’. (I already know how that costuming for money market is. Not that Pie Guy would listen to me)

 The rest of the meet up was okay. Pie Guy is an okay guy. He has traveled a lot and shared some of those adventures. He is articulate and intelligent. He mentioned he moves around a lot (not really something I’d share when looking for a long-term relationship). But he has no sense of humor. Or none I could find. A few smiles, but no laughs. I had to restrain myself from leaning across the table and saying (in my best Joker Voice):

Why. So. Serious.

He probably wouldn’t have gotten that either. (sigh)

So Pie Guy is not for me. Overall, we had a nice little visit and I got a piece if my favorite pie (it took me about 0.2 seconds to decide and order my slice of heaven). It didn’t kill me to talk to the man. I met a new person and heard some neat little stories.

Now I am ready for the next meet up.

Re-instating The Online Dating Presence

Published July 20, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

dating-coupon

After much hemming and hawing (I think crows do that too. Maybe crows do hemming and cawing), I decided to re-instate my online presence on the dating site. I altered my profile a bit and changed my moniker, added a few pics and sat back. I’d say ‘waited for the full inbox’, but that never happens.

I never get a ton of responses. Why? Because I write about who I really am, not what I think the men may want to hear. There are no flowery phrases promising long nights of cooking and cleaning. I figure if who I am isn’t what they want, then I am not interested. The brave ones will take a chance and write. The not so brave ones will hit ‘yes’ on ‘meet me’ and nothing more. I don’t write to the ‘meet me’ guys. If they are too chicken to just friggin’ write me a note, then I doubt they have the guts to deal with me in person. Let’s face it. I am not quiet, shy or retiring. Nor am I petite. I am someone who laughs a lot and possesses vast amounts of useless information with a slightly odd sense of humor.

After a few ‘meet me’ alerts (and deletes), I have someone who simply wrote and said ‘I’d like to meet you.’  I read his profile and looked through his photos. He seems fine to meet. I have no idea if we will mesh, but the time it takes for ice cream (his idea of a meet n’ greet – yippee!) will not kill me. I’ll just avoid the elderberry wine and window seats, and stick to a sundae.

I sent him a short note back. Then nothing. Changed his mind? Nope. I got a nice note from him today telling me a little about his internet issues. And an apology for not getting back to me sooner. He took responsibility for his failure to send a note sooner. (Dr. Jekyll could learn a thing or two from this guy) He included his phone number so I could ring him and we could talk a bit and set up a meeting (I haven’t rang him yet, but I will).

I also got a note from another man who is looking for the tried and tested ‘dinner and a movie’ date. I don’t really get the movie part of these things. You can’t talk to each other during a movie. You go, sit in the dark and watch the movie. Maybe you eat popcorn. But you can’t really get to know someone at the movies. After you have been dating for a while, movies are great. I am all for plopping down next to someone I know (and can throw popcorn at), sharing (tossing) popcorn and sipping a drink. After a few dates, you have a better feel for each other and the silence of movie watching isn’t odd or weird. You don’t feel like your date is watching you to see how you react to the film.

Okay, let me explain the popcorn thing. There are rules to popcorn throwing. 1) You never throw buttered popcorn. It stains anything and everything. So if you are gonna throw popcorn , it has to be unbuttered. 2) you are only allowed to throw popcorn at people in your immediate party. There is no chucking it halfway across the theatre, or at strangers (as in people you don’t know). 3) you only throw a couple of pieces at a time. We aren’t out to waste the whole bucket. Simple rules, loads of fun. Especially when a bit of popcorn lands in an ear. I mean really, who could make that shot on purpose? And yes, I really am over 50. At least in human years.

So here I am with a toe back in the online world of dating (or online not dating). I’m still not sure if online is where I want to be. I’ll let nature take its course, as it were, and see how things shake out. I can always remove or hide my profile. I figure I have to actually try or no one will ask me out – ever. So I will try it again and see where things go.

Let’s shake this thing and see what falls out.

 

 

 

 

 

Quality Humans And Craigslist.

Published July 17, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

Bang Head Here

From time to time I amuse myself with reading the personal ads on Craigslist (The Best of Craigslist is often downright hilarious). Sometimes I even respond to one with my ‘alter ego’. There are always the men looking for an affair (I have no love at home -wah!), a friend with benefits (I don’t want to work at a real relationship) and some who come right out and say they just want to laid (at least they are honest about it, though the words ‘well hung’ should be left out. just, ew.). Some seem to be actually looking for a relationship, even though they tend to have unrealistic parameters for them.

One man posted about the lack of ‘quality women’ on Craigslist:

You had your chance… You are too wounded and afraid to trust that a good hearted, loving man really wants you. Welcome to singles-land ******* style. No one is perfect. It’s all about knowing what you want and willingness to accept a person as they are. Attraction starts the fire

Notice how he has not bothered to tell us what he is looking for. There is no mention of what he means by ‘quality’. He does, however, mention accepting people for who they are.

So I wrote him a note from my ‘alter ego’, asking about it. I asked what he meant by ‘quality’. I mentioned I was employed, did not smoke, drink or do drugs. I mentioned I was a bit chubby but not a BBW and that it would be nice to have a partner so we could encourage each to be healthier and more active. I also mentioned how the issue of ‘quality’ goes both ways.

His response was rather terse:

No one should have to encourage you to be fit and healthy.  That’s your job.  It reflects your self-worth and self-esteem.

 

It’s my job? So much for his willingness to accept someone as they are. This does not sound like a good hearted, loving man.

I noticed he apparently didn’t read all of the e-mail sent to him. He seems to have immediately focused on my chubbiness and not much else. The words encourage each other never made past his eyes into his itty bitty mind. 

He made a snap judgement. He didn’t bother to inquire about why I am chubby. For all he knows I am fighting cancer, lost a my son/daughter in the war, lost my parents/sibling(s), have survived an abusive relationship or some other life altering event. There are lots of other reasons we put on a few pounds that have nothing to do with a love affair with food or low self-esteem.

But he will never know that. Because he has no interest in actually accepting someone for who the are, and taking the time to get to know them. He is one of a truckload of people (male and female) who equate looks with quality. The person within matters not until the package becomes worn and dated. Then these people just move on. To them, we are disposable. If we can’t match up to what they think we ought to be, we are chucked aside for a newer and better model.

The man who wrote that ad and responded to my e-mail has no clue what the term ‘quality’ means. He will never find what he is looking for because he is too focused on the package. It appears he can not encourage another human be a better person or get through a rough patch. If she can not stand alone and do it all herself, well to heck with her! *snort*

I figure if someone can accept and love me in my chubby state, then they will reap the benefits when the last of the chubbiness is shed. That is the guy who IS looking for a quality woman and can accept that I am not perfect. Who will take the time to look behind the package and learn my history and heartbreaks. Who will encourage me when I have a bad day, week, month or year.

That’s the man I hope to find.

To Date or Not To Date

Published July 14, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

waiting

With the failure of the now infamous Dr. Jekyll, I am faced with the choices of:

1) Not dating

2) Stepping back into the waters of the online sea of sharks, whales and flounders

I am not fond of either choice. I’d like to date. I’d like to meet someone as eclectic (odd) and as slightly nerdy/geeky as I am. Oh yeah, I’m mostly normal enough. Mostly. Sort of. Maybe. But the men in my age range seem unable to cope with a woman who does not live in the past. There is more to life than 80’s music and a landline phone. Really. Would I lie to you?

I understand there will be no ‘meet cute’. It seems people rarely talk to each other at stores or in lines anymore. I do, but others don’t (this explains the odd looks and the edging away, doesn’t it?). So that cuts down on the whole bumping-into-my-frog- prince-at-the market scenario. Bummer. I’d love a ‘meet cute’ at least once before I die. Where are those script writers when you need them.

This leaves the online mess. The online dating crowd seems to be focused on meeting their fantasy girl. More and more I see ads/profiles from men in my age range who are looking for that girl who is 15- 20 years younger, slender, attractive (as if we all know what they consider attractive) and athletic. One goes as far as to post:

You are:
About 5’6″
Not a perfect body but on the slender side
You have dark hair, chestnut
Blue grey eyes
Sometimes you wear glasses
Light skin, maybe even freckles
You love 80s music
You love to laugh
You find humor in goofy things
Music and movies are important forms of entertainment in your life
You lack coordination but try things anyway
You don’t smoke
You smell like sweet cucumber or some sexy lotion from Bath and Bodyworks
You enjoy camping in the summer
You can gut a fish
Your feet wiggle when you cuddle in bed
You take good care of yourself, eat healthy, Zumba
You like your men with some meat on their bones and who enjoy the same things as you
Are you her?

This guy says he is 45. I read this and see him looking for a replacement for someone no longer in his life, or someone he built in his mind. Yeah, good luck with that. I also notice he seems a little stuck on the 80’s music (what is with the 80’s music? I see this a lot. I mean a LOT).

I also notice a lot of untruths online. Men tend to write what they think women want to hear. I have met ‘non-smokers’ who smoke, 55 year olds who really 63 year olds and other ‘white lies’ being told to catch that special girl. They don’t seem to understand that lying right off the bat is a guarantee they won’t get the girl. Ever. As in never, ever.

Not dating is okay, but it gets old doing things alone or with your girl friends. I would rather be alone than ‘settling’ for someone who not really a good match for me. Been there, not fun, don’t want to do it again. Not that I need someone who loves everything that I love. I am fine with separate interests. In fact I like having a few things that are my thing, and him having things that are his thing. We all need time apart. Time with the ‘guys’.

So here I am, The Girl Who Waits.

The mad man with a box and the roman gladiator are running late. As usual.

Dr. Jekyll and His Apology

Published July 8, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

Image

I haven’t spoken with Jekyll/Hyde since our disastrous date a little over a week ago. I awoke the other morning and after a while decided I ought to really turn the phone on and see if anyone had tried to ring.

Lo and behold, a message from Dr. Jekyll.

It was the basic ‘This is *****. Hit me back.’ message. I thought about this for a while. What on earth would he have to say to me? It was obvious to me something went completely wrong on our last meeting. He was not happy. He was snappish and ill tempered. As well as rude, inconsiderate and ill mannered.

After a bit, I rang him to see what he wanted. He was surprised I was a bit snappish with him.

Me: ‘What do you want?’

Dr. Jekyll: “Wow. I guess nothing now. Why are you acting this way?’

Seriously? Were you not on our last date?

Me: ‘Well, you have to admit, our last date did not go very well. I am still wondering what happened. We had been getting along so well up unit then. It was as though someone flipped a switch.’

Dr. Jekyll: ‘Oh. Yeah. Well, I hadn’t had any sleep and I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m sorry if you feel it wasn’t a good dinner.’

Wasn’t a good dinner? WTF?!? You act like like stupid git and you think it was all about the dinner?!? Wow. Hide your head in sand much?

Me: ‘The dinner was fine. You were not.’

Dr. Jekyll: ‘ I know. I’m sorry. I haven’t been sleeping. That night I hadn’t had any sleep  for two days’ Blah, blah, blah………

He rambled on about his health, his goals, his needing to concentrate on his school work, moving and a trip home to see his mother. He explained that we will be neighbours and he hoped we could be friendly since we would living so close. I read this as ‘I will see you around and I hope you don’t call me names/ignore me in front of my friends.’ He put his horrible behavior down to lack of sleep, stress and health issues. Not once did he take responsibility for it. Not once did he just say ‘I acted like a stupid git, and I am sorry I treated you that way.’ Okay, he would never say ‘stupid git’, but you get the idea.

We talked for a little while. I kept  to short answers and added little to the conversation. I told him I had to go, I was expected somewhere else.

He then asked me to come over that night.

Wow. I mean, really, WOW. Does he truly expect that a lame-ass ‘I’m sorry dinner wasn’t good’ followed by a string of excuses for treating me like a cabbie would smooth things over? And after he made a point of telling me he wasn’t ready for a relationship because of all the things he had on his plate? I almost laughed out loud. Instead, I said I had to go, and no I wouldn’t come over. I was busy all day.

His response?

‘Okay. Call me tonight and come over tomorrow.’

Wow. Just, wow, wow, wow. He is not listening to me, or to himself. I don’t want to see him again. He has shown me who he is, and I believe him. He has told me he has no time for a relationship. That horrible humanoid that was at dinner will come again the next time his life gets stressed, or he doesn’t get his way. I want no part of him. Not even a little bit. I have no need for a man in his fifty’s who smokes pot and plays video games all day (new discovery). I don’t want a friend with benefits, a f**k buddy or be some man’s available vagina.

I want the whole relationship thing, and I will not settle for less.