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All posts for the month May, 2013

The Frustration of Online Dating

Published May 30, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

 

 

 

online_dating_frustration

 

I’ve updated and refurbished my online dating profile. It has garnered no new interest. A couple of men have hit me on the ‘meet me’ feature, but didn’t bother to write. So much for actually wanting to meet me. Then there are the ones who want to write. And write. And write.

I find this part of online dating the most frustrating. So many people want to write back and forth – FOREVER. I don’t want a relationship on a screen. I’m not looking for a pen pal. I want a relationship with a living, breathing, in-front-of-me-human of the opposite sex. This seems to be the impossible task.

First, we contact each other via e-mail and see if we might get on. This baby step can last weeks, if you let it. Possibly months. I haven’t got that kind of patience. I’m half a century old! Let’s get on with it, fellas! Often in this phase, photos are exchanged (if you are ‘meeting’ from another source, or one party has no photo on their profile). Sometimes that kills things right there. One person is not attracted to the appearance of the other and simply vanishes into cyber space. Yes, there needs to be some sort of attraction. But at least write and let me know my mug isn’t doing it for you. I’ve done it. It’s not that bad. Sometimes it’s a hobby that kills things. I was writing to a gent who got around to telling me how much he love, love, loves to camp. I don’t love, love, love to camp. I’ve had far too many bad camping experiences to want to camp every available weekend (or ever again). Obviously, we were not going to get on well. I let him know and we not longer write.

If both parties make through the writing/photo/hobbies portion, they often graduate to texting or phone calls. I prefer phone calls. Texting, to me, is simply an extension of e-mailing. I want to hear a voice and get a feel for the personality behind the e-mails. Texting doesn’t do that. If you can’t make time to actually ring me, don’t bother to ask to exchange numbers. Blocking your number falls into this area. Don’t ring and block your number. I won’t answer. I trusted you with my number, so trust me with yours. Number blocking also reads as ‘married and sneaking around’.

We’ve e-mailed. We’ve talked in real-time. We still seem to get on well. So let’s meet. Don’t make excuses. This will put you right back into ‘married but sneaking around’, and I will be done with you. Don’t jump the gun and ask to meet me in an hour. I have a life (it may be rather unexciting at the moment, but it is a life), and I’m not going to do somersaults or jump through hoops to meet you in 15 at the coffee shop (not to say I never will, but not on a first meet n’ greet). Let’s both agree on a place and time.

Ta-da! Not really all that difficult, now is it?

And when we meet, please take a little time to talk. We won’t know if we click if we don’t actually have a conversation (this does not include asking inappropriate questions – please see the R-E-S-P-E-C-T post for examples of what not to ask). Sitting through a cup of coffee won’t kill you (unless there’s arsenic in). If we are not connecting, that’s fine. Just SAY so at some point. Find a way to say ‘nice to have met you’ and go on your merry way. I really do hate the meaningful sighs, day dreaming out the window and lame excuses. We are both adults. This is flipping cup of coffee, not a marriage proposal. We ought to be able to find a nice way to say ‘Thanks, but no thanks’ and be on our separate ways in 30 minuets or so. One man I met was very fun and very nice. We could have best friends, but never more than that. He said ‘Thank you so much. I had a wonderful time. I am so happy to have met you, but you are not the droid I’m looking for’. And I agreed. We had had a wonderful time and loads of laughs, but didn’t connect on a ‘dating’ level. Again, it really wasn’t all the tough.

So the search continues at its ‘normal’ snail’s pace. I’m in no rush (just frustrated with the steps). I will (eventually, with a dash of luck) find my slightly nerdy/geeky/silly companion.

One with time traveling blue box would only be plus.

When The Cost is Just Too High

Published May 19, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

‘The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them’ –
Maya Angelou

 

Not long ago, I wrote about helping my ex and his girlfriend through a kidney transplant ordeal. He gave her one of his kidneys. Hers failed from years of being diabetic. I house and dog sat the month they were gone. We all get along pretty well. I like his girlfriend. She is good people. This all sounds so nice, doesn’t it? And it was.

Was. Past tense. Here a little back story.

I lost my job and was at a loss about how to get by until I found a new job. I used my tax return to live on, not to buy the little things I had ear marked it for. I had X amount earmarked for my auto insurance, and X amount for a couple of fun things. None of that happened because I was let go (And it was very weird. There is a post about it if you are curious) and had no income.

The ex, let’s call him Jimmy, said he’d help me through the rough spots. If I lost my apartment, he’d give me a place to stay and so on. He went on and on about not to worry about it. He’d take care of the things I needed until I was on my feet. He lent me some money to pay rent and buy food, etc. I told him I’d be willing to work it off. He had a few things he wanted done around his home, and heck, I could do them. It all seemed to be a fair deal all the way around. I began working on the projects he wanted done, tracked my time and gave him detailed invoices showing what was done at what rate, the charges and the balance due. They had bought a Wii system and there it sat for over a year doing nothing. Jimmy said, ‘Take it, use it. We never even hooked it up’. Okay. I’ll play a little Super Mario now and then. It will pass the time when I can’t afford to go out.

Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? And it was. Was. There’s that past tense again.

Then I had to ask Jimmy to help me pay my car insurance. Why? Because I am working part-time and barley getting by. Because I used up all my resources while I was out of work and the money I had planned to put aside went to rent, food, utilities and fuel.

He agreed but wrote:

The first of April I gave you $X and with you working that should have lasted till you paid me back. It sure looks like you are not making enough money to live in the style of having a car and a place of your own to live.

I do think you are a great person and tried to make a life with you.  I still have a life with you, but is it going to cost me money all the time?
WTF?!!?? Are you kidding me? Until now, I haven’t him for anything in the three years we have been divorced.
But this is who he is. Nothing is a ‘gift’. Nothing is just ‘help’. Nothing is as he says it is. He even admitted he donated his kidney so he had something to hold over his girlfriend’s head (She doesn’t know this. He told me this one day while I was taking him out to run errands after his surgery). Jimmy is selfish and self-centered. Anything he does, he does to benefit himself. His promise to help me out has left the building. I should KNOW this. This why I left him in the first place. Jimmy does not follow through with promises made. Ever. The life he tried to make with me, was not with me at all. He was more interested in making me live HIS life. He showed me who he was, and I didn’t believe him. My bad.
I don’t live large. I have a small (but tiny) studio apartment. I don’t have cable. I don’t have a credit card. I don’t owe everybody on the plant money. My expenses, outside of rent, utilities, food, etc., are the internet and my car loan. I know I need a second job. I am looking. The part-time work I thought I had in place fell through. Stuff happens. So I am still hunting for a second income. I’m squeezing by. And it’s a very tight fit.
I wrote back a rather snarky reply to Jimmy, which he has ignored. That’s fine. He did lend me the money for the insurance. I will work it off, or get my second job and pay it back. I have packed up the Wii and will return it to him. I don’t want to be accused of having any fun I may not deserve. I will pay Jimmy back, one way or another, and walk away. The cost of being friendly with him is too high.
He has shown me who he is once again. And this time, I believe him.
 

Rolling The Dice

Published May 18, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

dice1

In my perusal of personal ads I generally come across ones that make me laugh, or think ‘You need a reality check, dude’. Mostly I think they need spelling and grammar lessons. But this one takes the cake. Well, he wouldn’t actually take the cake because it isn’t his to touch. He titles his ad ‘Last Roll of the Dice’. And those dice are going to be rolling for a loooong time. Mostly because none of us can’t figure out if he wants a mate or rental property.

Let’s roll those dice and take a gander.

My personals are few but ‘important to me’ not to be touched without asking, and in a rental I simply want to be ignored and left alone- I touch nothing of another’s without asking unless their animals take to me as is usually the case.

Okay. This is a personal ad. This man WANTS a relationship. I think. I’m not sure. Maybe he wants a relationship with a wall or a rock. A rented wall or rock. He claims he won’t touch my stuff, just my dog. But isn’t my dog part of my stuff?

 Looking for a good lease with possible Direct Banking rental payments- I will share a place with someone if ‘Honesty and Respect’ are their true nature- I need my quiet time for PC working with no abrupt disturbances, and no visitors without prior notification and verbal agreement to the time frame- My work is important and time-consuming

Now he sounds like he looking for a place to live. And a little bit like Sheldon Cooper. I mean, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I can see the roommate agreement now. It will be at last 500 pages.

I need peace and a big yard- I seldom wish to go anywhere unless I make plans first- The more rural with altitude the better- Seriously Interested in a Life Change inquirers’ only or do you have the place for me? I am really quite serious and not from here with no friends or X’s, no kids, just the cat and man with the ability to think for himself- If you want a good person that’s honest and maybe not too worn out then move yourself to action

I am still confused about want this guy actually wants. He wants to go nowhere and do nothing. But states he is a good person and honest. His ad says he is 64, yet he has no X’s. Never been married, no girlfriends. Seriously? Maybe he means no letter X’s. Or maybe he isn’t speaking of himself. I’d move myself to action, but I I’m not sure what action to move myself to. I’ll just put on some music instead. Oh wait. I can’t. He requires PEACE and QUIET. Page 4, paragraph 5 of the roommate agreement.

This lifetime might close any time, I can adjust- I CAUTION THOSE WHO MAY ACTUALLY BE SERIOUS AS i AM TO NOT RELY ON A SINGLE ATTEMPT TO REACH ME OR MY VOICE MAIL- I am moving around and using the phone and PC in my search and I may miss or not be able to receive the call at my present location- So if you want to hear a voice or talk then know that the US Cellular blocks my calls and texts often, so I may not receive your message- A ‘text’ will let you know if I got the message or not- I return every call that I have a correct number of and if I do not return any call, you must not give up so easily with just a single call

If this lifetime closes, wouldn’t that mean you are dead? Kinda tough to ‘adjust’ to being dead. And didn’t you JUST say you didn’t like to go places or do things without a ton of planning? Why are you moving about so much.? Why is your cell phone carrier blocking your calls and texts? Holy crap! Are you a spy??!!??? On the lamb? Dodging Dairy Queen so you don’t order a Blizzard? And how can you text me that you didn’t get my message, if you didn’t get my message? I may need an aspirin before this is finished.

I am very serious about relocating and ‘I Will help out if needed, but no full time jobs please, I am retired and I want to stop ‘punching the clock’- You want a non-cheater and a caring person or not? NOTE- SEE MY AD, ‘Serious’ in the m4w 60 section- it’s more complete- I have added some things to another ad in Craigslist- It’s a bit serious for some but if you can’t handle the heat, get out of my kitchen- I meet people more than half way and where is yours that was meeting you more than half way?

Again he sounds more like he’s looking for a place to live, yet he advertising in the personals. He doesn’t want to ‘punch the clock’, but his work is ‘important and time consuming’ (See? This has ‘spy’ all over it). And he seems overly possessive about ‘his’ kitchen. (In the roommate agreement, I wonder who gets the bathroom) Now he claims he will meet people more than half way. More than half way to what? The market? The gas station? The port-a-potty? And I can’t imagine an ad ‘more complete’, as this one tends to wander about in a disjointed fashion.

Even after reading the entire ad, I still have no clue what this guy wants. I AM sure I want no part of whatever it is he is looking for. I am also sure he has no ex-wife, ex-girlfriends or friends because no one can follow a conversation with him for more than 5 seconds, or slog through his roommate agreement (’cause we all know he has one). I’ll bet the cat can’t even follow a conversation with this guy.

To top it off, he has photos of himself posted with this ‘ad’. It is obvious that they were taken by someone else. If he has no family and no friends, who took the photos? The cat? Big Foot? Martians?

You know, this would be perfect as a Lifetime Movie Event. Don’tcha think?

A Walk n’ Talk Date That Leads to………..Nowhere

Published May 9, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

I’ve had a little ‘action’ on the dating site. Not much mind you, but a little. It’s better than listening to the crickets chirping when I open the website to check mail and such.

One guy was 20 years younger than I am. Twenty years. While I thought it was kind nice that he was interested, I wrote back and told him that 20 years was a bit more age gap than I wanted to negotiate. He wrote back with a rather snarky answer, revolving around the old ‘Don’t knock it, ’til you’ve tried it’. Well, I don’t want to date someone close my child’s age. Just, you know – ew.

The next guy was doing all right with his e-mail efforts. We had a cute little banter going. It was fun. Then he crossed the line with the banter. And kept crossing it. Even after being told he had crossed said line, he continued upon the path of block/delete. And he made to all the way to block/delete. I hope he’s happy. I know I am.

I did get some very nice e-mails form a man who is polite and seems to be happy in his own skin. We e-mailed a little then when for a phone conversation. I tried to follow ‘the rules’ of first contact and keep it short, but he wouldn’t shut up. He is a talker. So much so, I could have set down the phone and walked off, come back, and he’d still be talking. Not that that’s a bad thing, but I didn’t want to be on the phone with him for 2 hours. It took a lot of ‘I need to get going’ and ‘I’ll let you go now’ to keep it to an hour. An hour. We have talked since (well he has talked since, I rarely get a word in) and I find he isn’t for me. He has no clue about computers and he knows almost nothing about his simple cell phone. While this may seem like a small thing, I have already stated I don’t want to spend my night out explaining to my date how to use his phone/tablet/laptop. I’ve been on that ride and I didn’t like it. Plus he’s into the night entertainer thing. He sings and plays at different venues in our area. I’ve been on that ride before also. It involves a lot of sitting around until break time. Then sitting around some more. Then we are all too tired to go anywhere but home. Maybe if I were in my 20’s I could do that, but not now.

My walk n’ talk date was a man who had very nice e-mails. We talked on the phone a few times and got along fairly well. He kept saying we’d be impressed with each other. I found that an odd thing to say. I also found it a bit unnerving that he is 60ish and never married. That made me go – hmmmm. He suggested we walk along one of the numerous bike paths. I declined because the numerous bike paths have numerous secluded areas. I prefer to be a bit safer on that first get together. We agreed on a more public place – the local dog park. I came with my dog, he came and walked with us. As we walked and talked, I realized we were at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. I love to go to movies. He does not. He likes to make film shorts and insists that going to movies stunts his creativity. He also admitted to picking the technical aspects of movies apart. So much for a relaxing escape. I don’t need someone pointing out that the wire is showing in that flying scene for one one hundredth of a second. I just want to watch the dude fly. And blow things up. He was completely clueless to any movie reference, yet told me he was going to host a show about classic movies. He didn’t get any classic movie references either. Not even from ‘Arsenic And Old Lace’ with Cary Grant or ‘Singin’ In The Rain’ with Gene Kelly. He didn’t know Raymond Burr was the bad guy in ‘Rear Window’. I think he’s lived under a rock most of his life. Maybe a cave. But he did go on and on about a short he made in the 80’s (which I did go watch on You Tube). Maybe he just needs to look at his calendar and see it isn’t 1980 something any longer.

We parted ways with the old ‘Well, we have each other’s number. Catch you later!’. I’m not planning on catching what he’s throwing. I believe he feels the same.

And so it goes. Dry spells followed by spurts of contact. I still haven’t had a real date. If I ever go one, I’ll be completely lost on date etiquette and do something silly or very un-date like. Nothing like letting a guy see the real you right off the bat, eh? But I figure he’ll see that ‘me’ sooner or later, so why wait? Let’s not waste time and get it the table early on.

If he runs, I’ll know he wasn’t for me anyway.

 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Online and Off.

Published May 3, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

Respect pinned on noticeboard

Aretha sang about it. She spelled it out. Literally. And it seems to be dying in today’s social networked-I can’t live without my phone/tablet/laptop-online world.

Respect.

I hit a wall the other night. The big depression wall. It hit like a bat out of hell and knocked me over in a stupor. Yeah, that wall is one mobile SOB. This time it even knocked out my sense of humor, which is difficult to do. I hate that wall. Just hate it.

I have other issues going on in my life as well as the online (more like lack of) dating. Every so often they come together and form said wall. Most of the time it swings and misses. I’m a good ducker. This time I didn’t duck quick enough. I found myself curled up on the sofa with a bag of Taco Bell. I haven’t eaten fast food in months. Yet here I was curled up, taco in hand, staring at the TV not really seeing (caring) what was on it. At least I didn’t go whole hog and get a soda too.

I am tired of  the lack of respect from the online dating world. Not only am I not getting the proper respect. Neither are the spouses and significant others of the ass holes that are looking for ‘discreet relationships’ on the side (Seriously. Grow up. Deal with your relationship or leave it). From Craigslist to online dating sites (paid or free), here is what I often hear from men either 5 minutes into a ‘phone conversation or via e-mail.

How much do your weigh?

This is NOT your business. Not only is it not your business, but most of you have no clue what height/weight proportionate is. Meet me IN PERSON and decide for yourself if my build suits you are not. Although by asking that, I have no desire what so ever to EVER meet you.

When was the last time you has sex?

This is also NOT your business. And where the hell do you get off even thinking it’s okay to ask me that!

When was your last real kiss?

Please. Not your business either. Grow up.

What are your sexual fantasies? 

Wow. Did your mother drop you on your head often as a child? I’m not telling you that after talking to you for 5 minutes. And now, I’m not telling you that ever.

Do you like threesomes? 

Yes, I do. Lindt, Nestles, and Cadbury. Oh wait. You weren’t talking about chocolate were you?

What kind of underwear are you wearing?

The kind you are NEVER going to see on me. Never. Ever. Not even when I’m dead.

NONE of the above is your business. NONE. Do you creepy, low self-esteem, mannerless, poor excuses for human beings understand that? You do not ask a woman (or anyone else who isn’t a hooker) those kinds of questions right off the bat. Sometimes ever.

I find this lack of respect appalling. My married friend’s jaw dropped when I told him some of the questions I get asked. He was horrified that people would ask those kind of questions at all, let alone in 5 -10 minutes of a conversation. He even stuttered and sputtered. And he is neither a stutterer or a sputterer.

Now, I have no idea what you guys go through in looking for a date. I hope it’s not as bad as this. I know I am not the only one who has these issues to deal with. I have written about some of my friend’s experiences, and they are not much better. No wonder single people have such a tough time meeting that special someone. There is all this sludge to dredge through. Yuck. Anybody have a spare HazMat suit?

So I ate my Taco Bell. I watched some TV. I curled up in bed with my trusty four-legged companion stretched out near my feet. I slept and let dreams swirl around me. When I awoke this morning, the wall of depression was gone. I felt ready to take on the world of online dating again. And the rest of the world.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Look it up. Know what it means. Use it every day, with everyone you know. Even with those you don’t.