Archives

All posts for the month April, 2013

Online Dating and Honesty. Or, When Wankers Text.

Published April 30, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

dont-be-a-wanker

 

Here I sit pondering the twists and turns of the online dating world. I remember being a teenager and not having a darn clue about boys, dating, or even kissing for that matter. Now I haven’t a clue about online dating. People act so weird. And they tend to be thoughtless or just plain rude. Hiding behind a keyboard makes some people feel invincible.

But you know what? Some of them still get caught. Red handed. In a lie. Bold as brass and twice as shiny.

My friend Jennifer (Not her real name. Her real name is Peggy. Okay, it’s not Peggy either) met a man through one of the various and assorted online dating sites. Now Jen hasn’t met Derek (Not his real name either. Sorry) in person. They have exchanged a couple of e-mails and now have graduated to texting. Their conversations have been going well. Jen kinda likes ol’ Derek. Derek is smart and a good conversationalist. At least he is in the world of texting. Texting, like e-mailing, tends to make some people bolder than they truly are. You are pretty much faceless and no one can chuck hot coffee in your lap if you say something offensive (Mr. When Was The Last  Time You Had Sex comes to mind).

And then…………………(Oh ,come on. You knew that was coming)

Jen and Derek are texting away, having a grand old time. Derek has a boat. A yacht. Now The way this way relayed to me, the yacht was not mentioned in terms of ‘I have a yacht, therefore I am a good catch’, but as simply part of the conversation. Prince Points for Derek. Derek was getting ready to set sail while he was texting. As he talked about the marina where the aforementioned yacht is moored, a flag popped up in Jen’s mind. A red flag. The one that niggles at the back of your mind, begging for attention. Something wasn’t quite right here.

So Jen began to ask a few other little questions in the course of conversation. She wormed her way through the threads and began to put 2 and 2 together. They somehow added up to three. And I got a text;

Jen: Oh my god. I’m talking to this guy who is at ‘Some Marina Somewhere’ on his yacht. He is dating my friend! He doesn’t know I have figured it out. What do I do now? I’m not good at this.

Me: Ask him if he has any friends going out on the boat with him.

Jen: He says yes. He’s taking his daughter and her friend out. My friend just got there! She just texted me she has arrived at the marina. The same marina! This can’t be a coincidence.

Me: Maybe it is just a coincidence. Tell him your friend is also at the marina. Use her first name and see what he says.

Jen: He didn’t react. He either isn’t with her, or he is playing it super cool.

We are looking good here. Derek may get to keep his Prince Points!

Jen: I just got a text from my friend. She is with Derek. I asked who her date was, and she said Derek. And Derek just texted me ‘Wish you were here’. 

Bad Derek. You have now been stripped of all your Prince Points. Do not pass Go. Do not bother to text Jen again.

To be honest, my first reaction was to wonder if Derek and the friend had an exclusive relationship. If not, Derek had every right to be looking around while they are just dating. But the fact that Derek was looking around while on a date (an overnight date, no less) is pretty much very bad form and plops Derek firmly into the un-datable territory. Plus he tried to lie about who he was with and what he was actually doing. Very, very bad form. We won’t go into the whole texting while on a date thing.

Later, Derek did ‘fess up to Jen and admit he was on an overnight date with Jen’s friend. While the confession was kind of a good thing, it also showed Jen what Derek is truly made of. I’ll be nice and call it horse crap. Jen was a tad nicer and called him a creeper.

So why is it people feel they need to lie about themselves and what they are doing? I know people have been doing that since men realized women had boobs and boobs are fun to play with, but it seems worse now. There are computer screens, phones and tablets to hide behind. They don’t have to worry about someone making a public scene if they get caught in a lie. And the receiving party doesn’t even get the satisfaction of slamming the phone down in the liar’s ear (You younger readers have no clue about that. Go to a museum and look at old telephones. You’ll get the idea. Maybe).

We all just walk away. A little more jaded. A little less trusting. A little more sick and tired. No wonder I see so many profiles and personal ads asking the same question: Is there anybody honest out there?

And I have to admit, I am asking that very same question.

 

 

 

It’s Supposed To Be Dating. So Why Are There Tumbleweeds?

Published April 26, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

weed on a bench

As I continue with this desert I call my dating life, I have come to realize a few things. Okay, maybe it’s just one thing. No, it’s a few things. I’m pretty sure of that. Just a few (hundred) things.

The biggest thing being; I’m not liking the men my age.

It’s not their looks, for the most part. I honestly don’t mind a few wobbly bits. I mean, I have them, so why would I complain about them on someone else? It’s the attitude. Or perhaps the lack of a fun attitude. They all seem so old mannish. Stuffy old man clothes and those big, plastic aviator style glasses. No or little techie knowledge. No that I am a super techie or anything, but I know how to text and take a picture with my phone and share it. I can get around on my computer. I don’t want to spend hours teaching my date how to navigate on his phone. It’s often like talking to my Grandpa. Which is really bad, because Grandpa has been dead for decades.

And, with my generation, it seems I have two choices. The ultra conservative, or the hippie (or wanna be hippie). I’m not particularly wild about either one. As with most things, there needs to be a balance. I tend to lean towards the spiritual side, but I haven’t fallen over into the weird ‘I have to sleep under a pyramid to restore my energy’ territory. Nor am I into organized religions. I am not against anyone making those choices for themselves, but leave me out it, thank you very much.

The men I have met have been nice enough (Okay, yeah. Some were just creepy. But anyway). But the spark for life seems to have died somewhere along the way. One guy has had motorcycles all his life (He even this to me so I wouldn’t be thinking he was having a mid-life crises). He still has them and rides all the time. And I mean – All. The. Time. He has no time to date, because he on the bike. And they are all single ups (one person bikes). Yet he hasn’t figured out why he isn’t finding someone. Hmmm. One guy was all excited about us going to some huge pot party in the hills. I am not 420 friendly, and told him so. He didn’t care ‘Cuz it will be sooooo f’ing cool, you’ll get high along with everyone else!’. No, I won’t. And no, I won’t share your pyramid either.

And the hair. OhMyGod. From the lack of hair to ones who still don’t know what a barber is. I have seen them all. I don’t mind bald (Think Yul Brenner). I don’t mind well-kept long hair. I DO mind comb overs, nasty frizzy ponytails, unwashed, greasy messes and the guy who apparently still doesn’t know what a brush and comb are for. And white folks should never have Rasta braids. Ever. (Except for the one white guy I saw who not only did them properly, but pulled it off). This goes for beards as well. If you are going to have a beard, keep it up properly. I really can’t stand the biker look beard and pony tail show. Just ew. Wash them both. Have them trimmed and shaped. After a certain age guys, you can’t pull it off. So stop trying. No, really. Just stop.

The men a few years younger than I am, seem to be more of what I’d like. They are more tech oriented. They still care about dressing a little closer to this century. They still care about their hair enough to keep it looking nice. But most will not date someone older than they are. Being in their 40’s, they are still looking for the younger women. The ones I have met, or talked to, have been the creepers. We all remember Mr. Tell Me About Your Underwear.

So it seems I will be watching the tumbleweeds tumble for a while longer. I have update my dating profile, added a new photo or two and made myself a few new rules. So far I have been ‘hit up’ by a 66-year-old and 68-year-old. They are not going to go anywhere but into the delete bin. The 68-year-old was still trying to rock the biker beard and pony tail show. It made my eyes hurt.

Maybe I’ll just get another dog.

For The Love of Craigslist. Yeah, I said Craigslist.

Published April 18, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

I very much enjoy ‘The best of Craigslist’. While ‘The Best of’ scares the life out of me, (No, really. Read some. Some of these folks are beyond ready for the funny farm) the ads are often funny as all get out.

I thought I ‘d share a few with you. You looks as though you need a laugh or two.

This one was listed in the personal ads ‘Women looking for Men’;

Did you leave a prosthetic leg on the bus this morning? – w4m

I found a prosthetic leg wearing a Lucchese brand cowboy boot on the bus this morning. I’m not sure what brand the leg is, but it’s only the shin and foot portion and it’s not mechanical looking. Rather, it looks semi-real–almost like it could be from a giant plastic doll or something. I hope you don’t mind, but I went ahead and tried the boot on. Magnificent! At first I wondered why a prosthetic leg user would have purchased such a comfy boot. Then I figured that you probably have another leg and foot that actually work and they probably really appreciate the cushion and arch support provided by the Lucchese boots. I really hope I can meet you and ask you more about your condition. I wonder what Koreans would say about you if you went in for a pedicure. Do you get charged half price for pedicures? That would be fucked up if you didn’t. Do you think they’d charge me full price if I went in for a pedicure with you? Anyway, I really want to give you your prosthetic leg back because I imagine that you’re hopping around, or worse, forced to wear a makeshift papier-mâché leg, or worse, forced to wear a thick tree limb like a pirate. Hopefully we can meet for lunch sometime and I can give you your leg back. Oh, and please only respond if you’re attractive. You see, there’s this fantasy I have, like a modern-day Cinderella, where I finally meet the owner of the leg and he turns out to be a charming prince. Well… maybe not a prince. I want you to be a sexy cowboy war hero who has had one of his legs and both of his testicles blown off in a grenade explosion in Afghanistan. It would be really romantic for you to sweep me off my feet in some café downtown. And then we’d both fall over because your makeshift tree leg wouldn’t be able to support both of us. We’d share a laugh. I’d kiss you on the cheek and then reattach your professionally made prosthetic leg for you. Based on how breathtaking your prosthetic leg is, I can only imagine that you’re incredibly handsome. I would have taken a picture of the leg, only for the pleasure of readers paging through, but I don’t have a digital camera. I did the best I could sketching it. Please know that this is now way as amazing as the real thing! 
The accompanying drawing showed a leg with a boot……..and a bone sticking out of the top. I think she embellished that bit. I hope she embellished that bit. Other wise this isn’t really a prosthetic leg……….
This one is one of the creative ‘Come get my piece of junk’ ads. I love these!

Free Death Ray parts

Do you have a science degree? Do you think the world would be better if you could just be in charge? Do you want to show those fools at the academy?I am listing a small selection of Death Ray parts as a service to the junior members of the mad science community. This includes a high voltage power supply, suitable for gauss cannon, tesla coil, or even just Jacobs’ ladder use; three vacuum tubes with emitters rated for soft X-rays (No guarantee of safety made when pumped to hard X-ray levels, but then, is there ever?); and a Fresnel lens appx 60 inches corner to comer, suitable for solar melting of asphalt, aluminium, and the skulls of your enemies. All this is free for pickup. It’s all in one convenient 450lb package, a Panasonic PT6G53. Yes, the TV functionality is fine, and until recently I was using it as a second monitor attached to one of my command station computers. However, times change, plasma TVs go on discount, and you can pick up this attractive bundle of parts for the low price of FREE! Please bring minions. It’s seriously very heavy. 

And if you’re into the paranormal…………..

Haunted 1960s coffee grinder

Relic burr coffee grinder from the 1960’s. Available for immediate pickup.FREE! with caveats. . .1. The finest setting is still pretty coarse, but if you use a French press, you’re in hipster coffee heaven. 2. It’s haunted.

Take a picture using Hipstamatic or Instagram in a low lit room with the grinder to your right, in line with and roughly level with your heart, and a ghostly image of Timothy Leary will appear in the frame. Also, I’ve woken up several nights to find the grinder had moved from my kitchen counter to my nightstand and was watching me sleep. The grinder has been known to go missing for weeks at a time only to reappear back in it’s original location on the counter. Despite the drama, I’ve kept it this long because it makes a fine cup of coffee when it’s around. Unfortunately, it scares my new girlfriend so I’ve been asked to get rid of it. 

I’d ask $1,500 for it, but California being a particularly litigious state I can’t afford to be deemed liable for destructive paranormal activity or demonic gates that open in your home, thus I offer it anonymously for free. 

3. Works best with Peet’s coffee.

Sorry, if it has disappeared from the spot on the porch, I can’t help you. I really have no control over it.

I lived in Minnesota for 10 years. It seemed like 20, so I completely understand this next one. 
Winter
Free for the hauling,
Winter.
Beautiful cool, snowy, Christmas-esque Winter complete with majestic snowy pines and frozen lakes.
I’ve had my share and I don’t want to deprive anyone else,
Several hundred acres to give, just haul it away.Will consider trades for green grass, lemonade and flip flops
Some people make anything their hobby. Then think they have a gold mine. Or maybe a lint mine. And yes, he included a photo. Three good-sized jars full of lint, just for you or that special someone. Serious inquiries only, please.

 

belly button lint

I have a collection of belly button lint,will trade for muscle car,harley,rifles gold coins work also or make cash offer ,also interested in motor cycles. no lowball serious only willing to split if you dont have what im looking for.
And finally. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

Wanted – Crazy Roommate!

Here’s the deal – I’ve been trying to rent a room in my house, but saying, “We’re a house of laid-back working people looking for same” has done nothing but bring out the crazies. Either that, or my standard for crazy is so low that nobody on Earth qualifies as sane.I feel that I must have been doing something wrong, so I’m going to try a new tact: ask for the crazies in the hope that a normal person replies to me.Here’s where you come in.If any of these apply to you, I want you to be my new roommate!

-Your Facebook photo has you pointing a gun to the camera with a bandana around your neck and wearing a shirt that says “Thug 4 Life”
-You’ve been evicted from your last three places because your landlords “were all stupid biches”[sic]
-You’re hoping to cram yourself, your significant other, and two kids into one room.
-You have enough pets to classify your room as a small zoo.
-You are thinking about moving up to the Seattle area, so can I please hold the room for two months until you can look at it?
-You want the room at half the price with utilities thrown in… with your own private bathroom, entrance, and hopefully kitchen (if it’s not too much to ask)
-You feel the need to explain how your ex screwed you over in your introductory e-mail
-You want it to be so 420 friendly that… dude… wait… what?

Don’t be bashful! Apply immediately!

You must be able to fail a criminal background check, preferably with at last one felony and be at least a level three sex offender.

Unemployed is preferable but not required. References from previous evictions a plus.

My ideal roommates are pictured above.

To the person who flagged the first post for removal at 3am last night… you’re just the type of person I’m looking for! E-mail me and set up a viewing today!

Seriously, though, I must be hitting too close to home, because people keep flagging the ad for removal (as well as many people flagging for “best of Craigslist”).

 
So next time you need a good laugh, hit Craigslist and look through the ‘The Best of’ ads. They will amuse you, scare you and some will make you laugh out loud. 
Some days, that’s just what the doctor ordered.

 

 

Changing The Way I think.

Published April 14, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

i-be-awesome

Sometimes we all have a bit of problem with negativity. We tend to focus on the negative things in our lives, rather than the positive things we have going on. No matter how small, all those little positives add up and can be very powerful.

We live in a youth obsessed world. While getting a pedicure one day (my thing for total ‘me’ time), the TV show on the big screen was talking about Botox, or some such, treatments for your hands. Yes, you read that right. Your hands. The program was showing how you can have you hands ‘plumped up’ so they don’t show your age. Oh. My. Gosh. Now we are supposed to worry about our HANDS??!!?? Then I noticed the woman next to my instantly inspecting her hands. *insert exasperated sigh here*

I have enough ‘old lady’ things to keep me occupied without adding one more aging body part to the mix. Someone needs to shoot the guys who keep coming with ways to look ‘younger’. Next up will be feet. Or maybe earlobes.

Anyway, the world seems intent on making us all feel just awful about ourselves. We are never good enough, pretty enough or young enough to be seen outside. *snort* I challenge that.

I am now 54. It has taken me, well, 54 years to get here. I have a few wrinkles. I have laugh lines. I no longer have perfect, creamy skin (not that I ever did, but you get the idea). I am on my own (please hold the gasping down to a dull roar, thank you), and I am okay with that. Yes, I get lonely. Yes, I’d love to have an S.O. to share things with, but I don’t. So what?

What do I have?

I have a body I know well. I have lost a whole 1/2 pound this last week (yipppeee!). Yoga is paying off. I am stronger, bendier and more energized. I have a new job I love and a new boss I adore. I have my own space. It may be small (but tiny), but it’s mine. I have a few close friends who are always there for me. My kids are leading happy, healthy lives. They are good people. I can pay my bills. I have a trusty four-legged companion to keeps me moving and keeps me company when the world gets me down.

THESE are the things to concentrate on. Not the slightly sagging and wobbly bits. Not the fact that I am neither rich nor famous. Not that I am alone and Johnny Depp will not be knocking on my door begging for a date anytime soon (Well, ever. Lets be real here). And I am not even going mention my hands. They look fine to me.

So stop standing in front of your mirror putting yourself down. Let it go. Let ALL of it go. Those things you hate about yourself? Someone else would kill to have them. So stop picking yourself apart. Stop trying live up to the media blitz to be young and perfect looking forever. We are not vampires. We are not werewolves. We are ALL going to age, and die at some point. Don’t be a zombie and buy into all the crap.

Be yourself. Be happy in your skin. Celebrate all the positives in your life, no matter how little they seem.

I’m changing the way I think. I challenge you to do the same.

Apartment Living

Published April 6, 2013 by mindfulofchatter

apartments

I live in a small (but tiny) studio apartment. It fits me, fits my budget and it’s fairly comfortable. I don’t have to pay for water or garbage pick-up. I have a ‘view’ of the green courtyard and the (currently green) pool. I’m not having to look out my windows and see a parking lot. It’s located where I can walk to the movies or to the grocery store. Most places are a quick drive, rather than a schlep across town. I can lock the door and go on a trip without worrying over lawns and newspapers.

But. (Yeah, you saw that coming, didn’t you?)

Apartment living also comes with its downside. You share your walls, ceiling and floor with other humans who may not have quite figured out they are not the center of the universe. This is also a family complex, so there are kids galloping about, shouting at each other and throwing balls (sometimes other items) back and forth. My complex sports one child who I would gladly wrap in a body bag and leave on his mother’s doorstep. He is loud, obnoxious and goes out of his way to be a complete bully/brat. I hope his family moves soon. Last week would have been nice. The weather was good for moving.

The other night, I was doing my laundry. The usual courtesy is to leave other people’s laundry alone. When the washer lid is up, they are finished and you may use it. Simple. Universal. This isn’t rocket science. But last night, I was ready to start my last load of laundry, and lo and behold there sat my wet sheets atop the dryer, and the washer busily filling with water for someone else’s laundry. Pissed? You bet. All sorts of evil thoughts ran through my mind. From opening the washer to prevent the load from running, to emptying its contents and washing my own load on his dime. I did neither. What I DID do was put my sheets in the dryer and leave rude boy a note explaining laundry etiquette to him. I even left out the swear words.

Music is lovely. We all like different kinds. Some of us like all kinds or most kinds. None of us like to be woken at 7:30 am to music blasting through the walls. My new neighbour seemed to have forgotten we share a wall. His alarm woke me up as though his radio was in my apartment. I was not happy. It was a day I could have slept in. But that has only happened once. He was reminded, or remembered, and has been very polite since then. Other neighbours? Not so much. While I can’t hear their music while I am inside my apartment, I certainly can hear them outside my door. I feel for their next door neighbours.

I don’t have a lot of money. But my clothes are clean and my apartment is clean. I don’t hoard pizza boxes or spill beer everywhere and let it mold. My bathroom is useable at any given time. I don’t drop my garbage in the lobby or stomp chocolate into the carpet by the mailboxes. I don’t understand why people do those things. Yet it happens here quite often. After Easter, I came home to find some kid had stomped a peanut butter filled chocolate bunny into the carpet in front of the mailboxes. I can guess who did that (Now, where did I put that body bag………………….). I have seen inside some of my neighbours apartments as they open the door to go in, or stand in their doorway visiting. Ew. I mean just EW!! I don’t understand living that way. It makes me want a shower just from having to walk past it.

If you also live in an apartment, I am sure you have had to deal with some of these issues. Some of you may even be guilty of a few. So let’s have a quick apartment etiquette review;

  • Your music is your music. Keep it down enough to not wake the dead or your neighbours. Or even your dead neighbours. Be aware that some people work. This means they need to sleep. Please turn the tunes down by 10:00 pm, and please don’t start them up before dawn cracks. If your neighbour asks you to turn it down, just turn it down. If you are the one asking, say please and thank you. Don’t make a shouting match out of it. Again, not rocket science, just plain old politeness. This also applies to TV’s.
  • My laundry is my laundry. Don’t take it out of a machine. Don’t fold it. Don’t touch it. If the washer lid is up, the washer is yours to use. If it’s been left closed, but is empty, it’s yours to use. Otherwise, wait your frakin’ turn. We all have laundry to do, let us have our turn.
  • If you have kids, keep an eye on them. Teach them to respect other people’s property. Teach them to respect the property they live on. They’re kids. They don’t know stuff yet. They need you to teach them how to be decent humans. So teach them. If you don’t know how to be a decent human, I believe there are classes you can take.
  • Pick up your trash. Don’t leave your ‘I don’t want this anymore’ junk under the stairs or out front in a box. Grow up and pick up after yourself. Take your unwanted crap to the dumpster or to Goodwill. Seriously, your mama doesn’t live here. You are an adult. Shocking, but true. Now act like one.
  • You walked to the store. Good for you! You used one their carts to wheel your groceries home. Okay. Now return the frakin’ cart to the store. You managed to walk there and back once, one more trip won’t kill you. No, it won’t. Honest.

And finally

  • You are NOT the center of the universe. I know this may be a shock to some of you. But it’s true. The rest of us do not revolve around you or what you want. Realize this and act accordingly. This means being polite to others. This means being respectful to others. This also means respecting other people’s property. Again, I believe there may be classes you can take if you are that clueless.

All in all, I like my apartment. Yes, I would like something a little higher end some day. Or a small house with a yard for the trusty four-legged companion. But neither of those options are not in my budget quite yet. Where I am is fine. I will hold up my end of apartment dwellerness by picking up my trash (and often other people’s trash), keeping my music/TV to a dull roar and respecting my neighbours right to privacy and their property.

Hopefully, you will do the same.