I have been lucky in my life. Very lucky. Things always seem to work out. It is rare that I have felt deep, gut wrenching hurt. The hurt that is almost physical. The kind where you feel as though you have been punched in the gut by an invisible fist.
Today is a rare day.
My roommate’s eldest is home for a month or so. The already crowded house was about to take on one more body that would require a bed, food and bathroom rights. A few ideas were kicked around. I thought it was more or less settled. Then I got the text.
The one asking if I could stay with some other people I know. The one that says the house is crazy crowded but hides the phrase ‘This just isn’t working for me’.
I am not angry. Hurt yes, angry no. I understand. She has to do what is going to work best for her and her family. She really doesn’t need an extra body hanging around and taking up an entire bedroom. I get it. She needed me to move out for her own sanity. What made it hurt so much was getting the request in the form of a text. A text. Not a sit down, face to face conversation. Am I really that difficult to talk to? Have I made myself so unavailable to others that people feel they need to text me? Pow. Right in the gut.
I went to the other people I know. They agreed to take me in and told me to go get my things. ‘Just go get your stuff, do it now. Get it done. We’ll clear out the second bathroom for you. Just go get your things.’ Two trips and I was done. Well, almost done. I forgot two boxes we had stashed in a cupboard. She knows, they are safe and will be picked up after the holiday.
My life is difficult right now. All the little things have added up to a physical hurt. Nothing has been easy or gone well the past few months. I wonder why I bother to keep trying. I know why, but I still wonder. The part of me that always gets back up and fight is too tired to try today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe the next day. The Warrior in me is exhausted and needs to rest and recuperate.
My former roommate is still my best friend. She has done what she needed to do. There is no reason for her to feel guilty or bad about her decision. It’s no one’s fault. There was no screaming and yelling. Just a request. The request has been fulfilled. I’ll get myself together in a few days and move forward.
I only hope she feels the same way.