It’s no secret I am in my early 50’s and single. It’s also no secret that I haven’t had any luck with online dating sites or having a ‘meet cute’ moment. I’m not having any luck with the opposite sex at all. None. Zero. Zip.
I’m not that awful to look at. At least no one runs screaming from the room when I enter. I dress nicely, almost everyday (lets face it, if I’m staying home watching a movie, I’m not inclined to dress up for that event), I take pretty good care of myself and laugh a lot. I smile a lot. I chatter about anything and everything. I am fairly intelligent and know the difference between ‘They’re’ , ‘There’ and ‘Their’. Yes, I am a little over my ideal weight, but I am not into BBW territory.
I have met a handful of men for coffee dates over the past two years. All these ‘dates’ have gone well. I have been told I far cuter than my photo, and fun to be with. Yet I remain single and unattached. I haven’t had a real, honest to goodness date in over two years.
Being single is kind of a double-edged sword. You have the freedom to do as you choose, no one tells you where to put the table or what color you may paint your walls. You don’t have to cook big meals and slog through cleaning up afterwards. If you don’t feel like picking up your clothes, no ones gets on your case about it. Neat or slovenly – no one is around to harp on it.
Yep. No one is around. No one is around to kiss you good morning or good night. No one is around to wrap their arms around you and tell you that you are cared about. No one is there when you need a shoulder to cry on or to cuddle with while watching that movie.
It gets lonely. It’s gets old.
I’d like to think I have learned a lot from my past relationships. I think I have. I am not the same person I was at in my 20’s, 30’s or even 40’s. I have a lot more patience. I am more inclined to think before I speak, especially when I am angry. I have grown as a person.
Not everyone can say that. I have an ex who has not changed a whit in 8 or so years. When I caught him in his web of lies, cheating and just plain ickiness, he tried to win, well no – buy, me back by presenting me with the digital camera I’d been wanting. I recently learned he did the same with the wife that came after me. Only she got a new laptop. It didn’t work with me, and it didn’t work with her. I can only assume this is his pattern. The fact that it hasn’t ever worked, doesn’t seem to occur to him.
Another ex has the tendency to nitpick. About anything and everything. From how to fold laundry to how to cook rice. His way the right way. In fact, his favorite line has been ‘Want me to show you how to do that the right way?’. He will tell you everything that is wrong with you. Your breath is bad, you are fat, you don’t exercise enough, you bought the wrong brand. The list goes on and on. Day after day. I couldn’t tune it out (nor should I have had to). He couldn’t stop, even after we talked about it and it’s effect on our relationship. He does to his current girlfriend. He has done this for decades, and will most likely do it until the day he dies.
The bright spot in these relationships, and others, has been my chance to learn from them. For all the pain, I have learned a great deal. They are the very things that have caused me to think, to learn, to grow as person.
I will find ways to deal with being lonely. I don’t want to be someone’s mother, cook and maid. I am not afraid to be alone, though I would like someone to share my life with. This makes me stronger and perhaps a little scarier for some men. I was told by a good friend, who is male, that I am scary as all hell because I am smart, pretty and well spoken. I think I’ll keep all of those things.
The world has moved on. And so have I.