Getting settled back into an old life takes time. That and you can’t ever really re-settle into what you once had. I am back where I lived before The Great Move To Another State experiment, but my life is not the same life.
I don’t have a job (yet). While my old boss would gladly re-hire me, he can’t because he has no job openings. So I am looking for work. I sold my car to make the move back, the car I am driving is not the same car. I don’t have my own place, I am now a room-mate. My trusty four-legged companion is staying with my ex until I find a place of my own. Lots of changes.
But I am back where I prefer to live. That in itself is plus. There is sunshine and warmer weather. Even coming into fall, the weather here is much nicer than it was There. While I don’t have a lot of friends, most of the ones I have are here. I can re-set myself and move forward again. Forward is always the better than staying stagnant or falling back.
My biggest challenge is reminding myself that I tried. I didn’t fail, I tried and did not like the results. The move simply didn’t work for me. There was no failure here. I move to a place I wasn’t sure I would like. I found work. I got out into the community and interacted with the local businesses and people. I even managed to have my own place for a short time. Yet at times, I still feel as though I should have been able to make it work and been happy. Why?
Part of it comes from my upbringing. My parents were both achievers. Not over-achievers, mind you, but people who set goals and got them done. My household was non-traditional in a lot of ways, yet also very traditional. My mom did a lot of things women in her generation would never have even thought to do. As a kid, I never saw the failures. They were grand role models for myself, and for my children.
The other part is the encroachment of what society has deemed the things that everyone must strive for. In the eyes of our society, I have failed. I am of an age where I should be in a career that is beginning to wind down to retirement with a healthy nest egg. I never really had a career. I opted to stay home with my children when I could. I opted to remove myself from bad relationships. I opted to live a traditional and non-traditional life. I have been told I am brave for doing the things I have done. I don’t think I am brave. I simply made the what I thought were the better choices.
None of it is failure. All of it is choices. Yet the that little voice the whispers ‘Look at yourself. You are a Failure’ is still trying to make itself heard.
That voice needs to go fly it a kite someplace else.