This post was written in three parts, on different days. It will take you along the emotional path I took as events unfolded. None of it is very pretty. None of it is meant in anger. There is no hate, and no reason to hate. But there is understanding and hope.
I am still hurting. The blow of being asked to leave my ‘roommate’ situation is still very much an open wound. I am grappling with anger, frustration and just plain old-fashioned hurt.
I have discovered the roommate felt I was judging her ability to parent. I was not. I didn’t intend to come off that way. But I must have, or she would not feel that way. She never said a word. Never took me aside and said’ Hey, please don’t do that’ or ‘Would you mind not….’. So I was left to discover this in a round about way and after the fact.
Because of the hurt I am feeling, it makes it difficult to not read things into the situation that may not be there. To make it worse, I fear the friendship has been damaged beyond repair. There is doubt it will continue, and of so, there is no way it will not be changed. How can it not be? We couldn’t talk to each other about something that was important while living under the same roof.
Since writing the above portion of this post, things have taken another turn. As I stated in an earlier post, I had left a couple of boxes behind. They were stashed in cupboard not in the room I was using. I texted the former roommate about picking them up.
She put them out on her porch for me to pick up. Under the guise that she is sick and I shouldn’t come in. Like you do when you kick out a former significant other. Like you do when you no longer want contact with that person ever again. With no word about what is on her mind, or why I am all the sudden persona non grata.
Once I get through the pain of feeling belted in the face by someone I thought was a friend, I hope to learn something from this. Maybe there is nothing to learn. I don’t know. The world is hazy through my tears. My mind just goes blank. I sit and do nothing for long stretches of time, unaware I am just sitting there. Writing this is an effort. I want scream about the unfairness, point my finger and blame someone else. This incident has opened a floodgate of hurt I’m not sure I can bear.
But life isn’t fair. Any blame is a shared blame. And I will be forever changed.
I’ve had help sorting through this sudden and unwelcome emotional upheaval. I am fortunate to have the very sort of friend who opens up their arms and says ‘Come and cry on my shoulder. I have tissues. I have ears. I am can be strong for you until you can work through this’. I was reluctant to do so. I do not share deep hurts by nature. But there was insistence and I went to the strong arms, the waiting shoulder and box of tissues. After hours of tears, some peppermint tea and a bag of used tissues, I had run out water and was exhausted. With unwavering eye contact I heard ‘This is temporary. It will pass. No matter if you are happy or sad, it’s all temporary. I’m here if you need me.’
Of course, that is the truth. It is temporary. How I deal with it will determine how long it lasts.
I am not angry with my former roommate. I honestly do understand, in part, what happened. She too, has suffered a huge emotional hurt and is still healing from it. She thought she was ready to share her home. She simply wasn’t there yet. Some of the things I did trying to help out were mostly likely viewed in a different light than they were intended. I believe no matter which course I could have taken (staying completely away from the shared areas, or trying to help out) would have been read the same way. It’s no one fault. Sometimes you just don’t know until you try if you are ready or not. She tried. It went haywire.
We have yet to actually speak to each other yet, the former roommate and I, but we haven’t disappeared. We both still seem to need some space. Neither knows what the other is thinking. I’m sure there is confusion and perhaps a little fear on both sides. At some point, I am sure we will talk or text.
Until then, I will return to the world and move forward. I hope she does, too. We both need a little time to heal.