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All posts for the month November, 2012

The Former Roommate and The Healing Trail.

Published November 29, 2012 by mindfulofchatter

 

 

This post was written in three parts, on different days. It will take you along the emotional path I took as events unfolded. None of it is very pretty. None of it is meant in anger. There is no hate, and no reason to hate. But there is understanding and hope.

Part 1

I am still hurting. The blow of being asked to leave my ‘roommate’ situation is still very much an open wound. I am grappling with anger, frustration and just plain old-fashioned hurt.

I have discovered the roommate felt I was judging her ability to parent. I was not. I didn’t intend to come off that way. But I must have, or she would not feel that way. She never said a word. Never took me aside and said’ Hey, please don’t do that’ or ‘Would you mind not….’. So I was left to discover this in a round about way and after the fact.

Because of the hurt I am feeling, it makes it difficult to not read things into the situation that may not be there. To make it worse, I fear the friendship has been damaged beyond repair. There is doubt it will continue, and of so, there is no way it will not be changed. How can it not be? We couldn’t talk to each other about something that was important while living under the same roof.

Part 2

Since writing the above portion of  this post, things have taken another turn. As I stated in an earlier post, I had left a couple of boxes behind. They were stashed in cupboard not in the room I was using. I texted the former roommate about picking them up.

She put them out on her porch for me to pick up. Under the guise that she is sick and I shouldn’t come in. Like you do when you kick out a former significant other. Like you do when you no longer want contact with that person ever again. With no word about what is on her mind, or why I am all the sudden persona non grata.

Once I get through the pain of feeling belted in the face by someone I thought was a friend, I hope to learn something from this. Maybe there is nothing to learn. I don’t know. The world is hazy through my tears. My mind just goes blank. I sit and do nothing for long stretches of time, unaware I am just sitting there. Writing this is an effort. I want scream about the unfairness, point my finger and blame someone else. This incident has opened a floodgate of hurt I’m not sure I can bear.

But life isn’t fair. Any blame is a shared blame. And I will be forever changed.

Part 3

I’ve had help sorting through this sudden and unwelcome emotional upheaval. I am fortunate to have the very sort of friend who opens up their arms and says ‘Come and cry on my shoulder. I have tissues. I have ears. I am can be strong for you until you can work through this’. I was reluctant to do so. I do not share deep hurts by nature. But there was insistence and I went to the strong arms, the waiting shoulder and box of tissues. After hours of tears, some peppermint tea and a bag of used tissues, I had run out water and was exhausted. With unwavering eye contact I heard ‘This is temporary. It will pass. No matter if you are happy or sad, it’s all temporary. I’m here if you need me.’

Of course, that is the truth. It is temporary. How I deal with it will determine how long it lasts.

I am not angry with my former roommate. I honestly do understand, in part, what happened. She too, has suffered a huge emotional hurt and is still healing from it. She thought she was ready to share her home. She simply wasn’t there yet. Some of the things I did trying to help out were mostly likely viewed in a different light than they were intended. I believe no matter which course I could have taken (staying completely away from the shared areas, or trying to help out) would have been read the same way. It’s no one fault. Sometimes you just don’t know until you try if you are ready or not. She tried. It went haywire.

We have yet to actually speak to each other yet, the former roommate and I, but we haven’t disappeared. We both still seem to need some space. Neither knows what the other is thinking. I’m sure there is confusion and perhaps a little fear on both sides. At some point, I am sure we will talk or text.

Until then, I will return to the world and move forward. I hope she does, too. We both need a little time to heal.

A Rare Day

Published November 22, 2012 by mindfulofchatter

I have been lucky in my life. Very lucky. Things always seem to work out. It is rare that I have felt deep, gut wrenching hurt. The hurt that is almost physical. The kind where you feel as though you have been punched in the gut by an invisible fist.

Today is a rare day.

My roommate’s eldest is home for a month or so. The already crowded house was about to take on one more body that would require a bed, food and bathroom rights. A few ideas were kicked around. I thought it was more or less settled. Then I got the text.

The one asking if I could stay with some other people I know. The one that says the house is crazy crowded but hides the phrase ‘This just isn’t working for me’.

I am not angry. Hurt yes, angry no. I understand. She has to do what is going to work best for her and her family. She really doesn’t need an extra body hanging around and taking up an entire bedroom. I get it. She needed me to move out for her own sanity. What made it hurt so much was getting the request in the form of a text. A text. Not a sit down, face to face conversation. Am I really that difficult to talk to? Have I made myself so unavailable to others that people feel they need to text me? Pow. Right in the gut.

I went to the other people I know. They agreed to take me in and told me to go get my things. ‘Just go get your stuff, do it now. Get it done. We’ll clear out the second bathroom for you. Just go get your things.’ Two trips and I was done. Well, almost done. I forgot two boxes we had stashed in a cupboard. She knows, they are safe and will be picked up after the holiday.

My life is difficult right now. All the little things have added up to a physical hurt. Nothing has been easy or gone well the past few months. I wonder why I bother to keep trying. I know why, but I still wonder. The part of me that always gets back up and fight is too tired to try today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe the next day. The Warrior in me is exhausted and needs to rest and recuperate.

My former roommate is still my best friend. She has done what she needed to do. There is no reason for her to feel guilty or bad about her decision. It’s no one’s fault. There was no screaming and yelling. Just a request. The request has been fulfilled. I’ll get myself together in a few days and move forward.

I only hope she feels the same way.

T’was a Dark and Stormy – Day

Published November 18, 2012 by mindfulofchatter

 

The beginnings of winter have hit. Today has been dark with rain and wind clattering against the windows. It’s the type of day one spends baking, watching movies or cleaning out some long forgotten closet. It just isn’t a bright and cheery day.

It is also the type of day that can get you down and depressed. Especially if you are on your own. But I am not down, nor am I depressed. I have spent this day with hot tea, chocolate and shortbread cookies. Granted none this is good for my waistline, but I am enjoying the splurge. Perhaps later I will walk a bit on the treadmill. Perhaps not.

I have also spent the day catching up with the series I like to watch, but don’t because they are either canceled or on cable. Netflix is wonderful for this – for the most part. Netflix has the annoying habit of not keeping very current, or not offering some things on Instant Play (otherwise known a streaming). I am now as caught up as I can be with The Walking Dead, Doc Martin, Being Human (U.K.), In Plain Sight and a couple of others. In Plain Sight went very quickly – Netflix hasn’t bothered to add anything new since the last  time I checked it. Same for Being Human. Oh, and don’t bother with the U.S. version. It stinks. Utterly and completely.

I don’t quite understand Netflix and how they decide what movies can be streamed, and what shows get new episodes. The Walking Dead is current. The first two seasons are already on Netflix, with the third season currently showing on AMC. In Plain Sight and Being Human are still far behind what is most current. As in several seasons (or series) behind. Hot in Cleveland is divided into streaming and disc only. I can watch almost 10 years worth of Top Gear (again, U.K.), but heaven forbid I want to catch up with the ladies of Hot in Cleveland. WTF Netflix. Get your act together and you just may redeem yourself and regain your customer base.

While I would love to have someone to spend this rainy and windy day with, I am not in a funk because I am alone. I books to read, the internet to surf and movies to watch. I can explore my own mind. I can ring old friends. In short, I have options to keep myself busy and entertained. Alone isn’t always lonely. A lot of us forget that and only see that we are alone.

Some of my best days are spent alone.

Sex And The Single Girl. Er….Woman

Published November 17, 2012 by mindfulofchatter

 

It’s no secret I am in my early 50’s and single. It’s also no secret that I haven’t had any luck with online dating sites or having a ‘meet cute’ moment. I’m not having any luck with the opposite sex at all. None. Zero. Zip.

I’m not that awful to look at. At least no one runs screaming from the room when I enter. I dress nicely, almost everyday (lets face it, if I’m staying home watching a movie, I’m not inclined to dress up for that event), I take pretty good care of myself and laugh a lot. I smile a lot. I chatter about anything and everything. I am fairly intelligent and know the difference between ‘They’re’ , ‘There’ and ‘Their’. Yes, I am a little over my ideal weight, but I am not into BBW territory.

I have met a handful of men for coffee dates over the past two years. All these ‘dates’ have gone well. I have been told I far cuter than my photo, and fun to be with. Yet I remain single and unattached. I haven’t had a real, honest to goodness date in over two years.

Being single is kind of a double-edged sword. You have the freedom to do as you choose, no one tells you where to put the table or what color you may paint your walls. You don’t have to cook big meals and slog through cleaning up afterwards. If you don’t feel like picking up your clothes, no ones gets on your case about it. Neat or slovenly – no one is around to harp on it.

Yep. No one is around. No one is around to kiss you good morning or good night. No one is around to wrap their arms around you and tell you that you are cared about. No one is there when you need a shoulder to cry on or to cuddle with while watching that movie.

It gets lonely. It’s gets old.

I’d like to think I have learned a lot from my past relationships. I think I have. I am not the same person I was at in my 20’s, 30’s or even 40’s. I have a lot more patience. I am more inclined to think before I speak, especially when I am angry. I have grown as a person.

Not everyone can say that. I have an ex who has not changed a whit in 8 or so years. When I caught him in his web of lies, cheating and just plain ickiness, he tried to win, well no – buy, me back by presenting me with the digital camera I’d been wanting. I recently learned he did the same with the wife that came after me. Only she got a new laptop. It didn’t work with me, and it didn’t work with her. I can only assume this is his pattern. The fact that it hasn’t ever worked, doesn’t seem to occur to him.

Another ex has the tendency to nitpick. About anything and everything. From how to fold laundry to how to cook rice. His way the right way. In fact, his favorite line has been ‘Want me to show you how to do that the right way?’. He will tell you everything that is wrong with you. Your breath is bad, you are fat, you don’t exercise enough, you bought the wrong brand. The list goes on and on. Day after day. I couldn’t tune it out (nor should I have had to). He couldn’t stop, even after we talked about it and it’s effect on our relationship. He does to his current girlfriend. He has done this for decades, and will most likely do it until the day he dies.

The bright spot in these relationships, and others, has been my chance to learn from them. For all the pain, I have learned a great deal. They are the very things that have caused me to think, to learn, to grow as person.

I will find ways to deal with being lonely. I don’t want to be someone’s mother, cook and maid. I am not afraid to be alone, though I would like someone to share my life with. This makes me stronger and perhaps a little scarier for some men. I was told by a good friend, who is male, that I am scary as all hell because I am smart, pretty and well spoken. I think I’ll keep all of those things.

The world has moved on. And so have I.

 

 

 

 

 

I Really Hate Bad Days. Seriously.

Published November 12, 2012 by mindfulofchatter

All and all it has not been the best of days. I hate these kind of days. I rarely know what to do with myself to get through them or shake them off.

The day began all right. I got up and had my tea, then took off to go thrift storing. I had brunch at my favorite restaurant and sat in my favorite waitress’ section. We had a good chat and I had one of my favorite meals. How could this not turn out to be a good day? The thrift store shopping was not fantastic, but good. I found a couple of sweaters, a skirt and peacoat style coat in camel. This should have been at the very least an okay day. But somewhere along the way it crashed and burned.

I’m not sure why. It just kind headed south. My head went where it didn’t need to go and I just couldn’t stop it. here were tears on and off, discussions with myself about stopping that (really, what good does it do?), and trying to find things to snap myself out of the spiral. Nothing really worked. My funk got funkier.

Part of it came from reading a blog post this man wrote about the 16 things he did to ruin his marriage. It was very well written, and offered some very good advice. It was also eye-opening. I have done some of those very things to my former spouse. But more so, I have had a lot of those things done to me. (http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html for those of you may like to read it). It made me think a lot about myself and where I am now. Unfortunately, it wasn’t in a very good way.

Add to that the fact that I haven’t had a date in over a year, let alone even a whisper of a significant other, and – BOOM! – mood dive bombs, day in ruins. I’m not finding self-examination to be very helpful just now.

Once the house was emptied of children-who-shoiuldn’t-watch-certain-TV programs, I turned on Netflix to catch up on The Walking Dead. Okay, granted, not the best choice when you are a bit depressed. It’s really not a bright, sunshiney, uplifting show. But I have missed the entire second season (no cable), and I wanted to catch up. But my funk was going nowhere and was deepened a bit when I had to turn it off with 11 minutes to go on an episode. No ones fault, just bad timing on my part. I knew I was cutting it close when I hit play that last time. And to top it off, everyone who trooped in the door was angry, tired, pissy and arguing. I was just not winning today, apparently, no one was. Back to my room I went.

It quieter now. Everyone seems to have settled down and cooled off. I may sneak downstairs in a little bit and have wee bit of ice cream. I don’t know. I’m still not in the best mood. I’m pretty sure tomorrow will be better. One nice thing about being a human mortal – the day will end, you will sleep and tomorrow will dawn. I will have the chance to start over with a new day and new mood. Plus, I don’t have to figure out the next 500 years or so.

Take THAT you vampire/werewolf/undead immortals!

 

Job Hunting in The Digital Age

Published November 10, 2012 by mindfulofchatter

Now that I am back home, I need a job. I dislike job hunting these days. It requires using the internet and trying to detect spam ads. I hate spam ads. Some are easy to spot, some do a better job of hiding what they are.

I use Craigslist, the King of Spam, and the online newspapers. The nice about CL is that others who have responded to spam ads often post back to tell you not to waste your time. The biggest clue that a help wanted ad is spam, is the pay. They almost always offer you huge pay to do a low wage job, such as sweeping up the garage for $15.oo an hour. If you see an ad where the pay and the wages of your area don’t add up, it’s most likely a spam ad.

These ads will answer you inquiry quickly and tell you how they chose you, yes, YOU, over hundreds of applicants. All you have to do is click on this link and finish your application. That link will take you to a site where they want your info to check your credit rating, or get a car insurance quote. Do I look that stupid? I have car insurance, thank you, and have no need for a quote. Plus, I have never run across a legitimate business  that require I get a car insurance quote. Have car insurance, yes. Get a quote, no. The credit rating? Yes, some companies will want your credit rating before hire. But they will tell you that AT AN INTERVIEW. Never go fill out one of those link things out. They are spam, fishing for information. And they are dangerous. Anyone truly interested in hiring you will call you for an interview. It always angers me to see all the spam job listings. We are looking for work. We need work. We do NOT need our time wasted by spammers.

The online newspapers seem to now link up with local job search engines. The problem lies in the scant amount of jobs listed there. They are few and far between. Most are high-end jobs requiring degrees in that particular field coupled with years of experience. At least they aren’t spam.

So far, I have had one call back to clarify information and answer a few brief questions. They are whittling down the list of applicants and I understand that. Things seem to have gone well, but you never know what the interviewer is thinking. I may or may not get a call for an interview. For all I know, she thinks I’m the git of the week.

This morning I received an e-mail from a different job listing asking when it is convenient to ring me and talk a bit. I have answered and will see if I do ,indeed receive a call from them. It is a temp- to-maybe-permenant-hire-position, but it is a job I can do and do well. It will give me income until I am hired on permanently or find something else.

Both of these job leads came from Craigslist. Both read like legitimate ads. It seems as though both of them were legitimate ads. This is good for me. And good for the other who also applied.

I have a chance. Wish me luck, cross your fingers, send good kharma, or whatever it is you do when asked for this type of help. I would appreciate it. Very much so.

Roommates, Best Friends and Kids

Published November 7, 2012 by mindfulofchatter

 

I am now a roommate. This something I have never been. Ever. I didn’t go away to college and share a dorm room, I’ve never had to share an apartment or a house. From the day I moved out of my parents house, I have been able to live alone. Well, until I got married and had kids. But a husband and children are very different from having roommates.

This new household consists of my best friend (who else would me in, especially with an already full house!), her 12-year-old daughter, a 17-year-old young man, a newly minted adult attending a local college and myself. This is a loud and busy household. Everyone has a different schedule. People are up and out the door at different times. In short, a typical family household.

I thought after years of being alone with loads of quiet when I wanted it, this would be a tough to deal with. But I find it’s not. It is as if I have slipped my ‘mom’ hat back on with no effort what-so-ever. I help out by cooking and cleaning, helping the kids out as they may need it, and picking up the kids when they get stuck and need a ride. My roommate doesn’t push things off on me, I do these things gladly. I know how tough it is to be a single parent. And she is no slacker. She works hard at her job, and hard at home.

All the kids are good kids. They pretty much do typical kid things. Like hitting up Mom when she is too tired to fight and say ‘no’, or not picking up after themselves when they should. Unfortunately for them there is a now a second Mom in the house to make sure they get their chores done and silence the lame excuses.

There are things I have time to do that Mom doesn’t have time for. The Young Man and I sat down together and I taught him how to sew on a button and how to fold his t-shirts. Together, we cleaned and organized his room. I have extracted a promise from him that he will keep it up with no nagging. Yes, he has a prize in the works. And yes, I think he gets I mean it what I say and there will be no prize if he doesn’t follow through. He is good kid, almost an adult. A Young Man with lots of promise and a good head on his shoulders.

The 12-year-old also wants a sewing lesson. At some point we will also sit down and talk a bit, as I teach her how to sew on a button and make a thread shank. This one has a few issues, all in all a good kid. She tries, for the most part, to understand and follow through. Well, as much as a 12-year-old does those things.

I am looking for work and when I find something that will pay my bills, I will move out. Not because I dislike this arrangement. I actually enjoy being a part of this household. But because we are a bit over crowded here. My dog can’t live with me here, because there are cats. And my girl doesn’t do well with cats. My room isn’t really my room. It a loaner. No, I will move simply because this house isn’t large enough for this big of a family.

That will be a sad day for me.