I read a blog called Mizinsomniac here on WordPress. This lady is going through a tough time in her life. In her last entry, she talks about her company picnic and how it forces her to come face to face with some very uncomfortable feelings, and a bit of her past. Adding to that, her recent break-up and, well, you can see where things could go. She adds to this her loneliness.
Her break-up is very recent. Her happiness at being set free from a bad situation is shadowed by her loneliness and a sense of failure. The ‘why mes’ have set in. More the ‘Why not me’s. You know, the one where you see all icky people happier than a pig in slop? Why do THEY get to have a happy relationship? I’m a good person! Why am I alone? I am familiar with this syndrome.
I am alone. I have been alone since I left my marriage two years ago. My children are adults who live on their own in other states. Until 3 months ago, it was me and the dog (I recently relocated and currently live with my sister). I came home to just the dog for 2 years. There was no one to cook dinner with, or for. There was no one to tell about my day to. There was no one to hold me when I had a rotten one. There was no one to do those same things for. There still isn’t, man wise, but now I come home to my sister and two dogs.
I learned to go out alone. To movies, to restaurants and shopping. I am perfectly fine alone. But I am lonely.
I tried internet dating. I have met some nice people through those sites in the past. This time – nothing. I don’t get an inbox crammed with messages. I rarely got anyone to even write back. I know I’m not the prettiest bird on the wire. I’m older and a little heavier than I’d like to be (I am not obese, just a few pounds to the heavy). But I’m not in my 20’s, 30’s or even 40’s anymore. I don’t expect me to look like I did back then. I look in the mirror and I see a perfectly fine, attractive woman. No one runs away screaming when I walk down the street. No one even cringes. I can’t be that bad. Can I?
I see people who shouldn’t be able to have relationships, in what appears to be happy ones. They are liars, cheats. Mean human beings who treat others poorly. Yet there they are in a relationship. The pigs have their slop. I try to be open and honest. I have no one. The ‘Why not me’ or the ‘Whats wrong with me’ tape begins to play. It’s frustrating at best.
Like Mizinsomniac, I like being with a man. I enjoy having a relationship. But I have no idea how to connect with a man in this digital world. The downfall of internet dating to the sheer numbers. It has been said many, many times that having such a large pool to choose from, makes us choose no one. We keep thinking there is someone better. We won’t take the chance on a ‘maybe’. I would like to meet a man the old-fashioned way. Talking in line at the store, sharing a table at a crowded cafe, at a concert or out dancing. All these scenarios have become a movie ‘meet cute’. It seems as though they no longer take place in real life.
I am at a loss.